


I’d climb every mountain and swim every ocean just to be with you and fix what I’ve broken ‘cause I need you to see that you are the reason.

by dramionedarlings



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex calls John 'Jack', Alexander is a lawyer, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best man in love with Groom AU, Controlling behaviour ( not John or Alex ), Cuddles, Eliza is the mum friend, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Homophobia, I recommend listening to the songs that are in the titles whilst reading the chapters!, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jefferson is a dick oops, John and Eliza own an art studio, John draws a lot, John is protective, M/M, Pet Names, Pining, Slow Burn, Sorry Not Sorry, alexander is an insecure bean :(, body issues, multi- chaptered, oh and Alex is adopted by the Washingtons!, oops and references to the lyrics in the musical, slight violence later on, smut later on, there will be warnings in each chapters if any!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-06-08 21:00:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15251937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramionedarlings/pseuds/dramionedarlings
Summary: John Laurens just so happens to be in love with Alexander Hamilton, but John has been silently pining for six years and has also foolishly agreed to be Alexander’s best man for his upcoming wedding.





	1. Who could deny these butterflies? There filling his gut

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lefoxthescot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefoxthescot/gifts).



> Hi all this is my first fanfiction in the Hamilton fandom! I have finally plucked up the courage to write a fanfic for the first time since 2015! Please let me know your thoughts and feedback in the comments.  
> I hope you enjoy ! xxx

Song: Remembering Sunday – All time low.

John Laurens was on his break at the art studio he and Eliza owned, he glanced out the window seeing the cold wind blow on the trees. Despite being on his break he continued to paint a commission for a family who wanted a family portrait with their two-year-old girl. He glanced at his phone for the reference picture that the two dads had sent him the previous night. 

A few moments later his phone began to ring, and it was Alexander. John put down his charcoal and accepted the call.

“Alex, I am working.” He stated putting a mocking-serious tone. “I thought you were doing a case in court today?”

John heard Alexander’s, beautiful and captivating, laugh on the other side of the phone. He then replied. “No, my dear Laurens, that’s Monday! Thomas and I were at a cake tasting this morning, I had to take the day off –  

_John hated Jefferson, Alex’s fiancé, everyone in their friend group did but they accepted him because he made Alex’s happy._

“-But that isn’t the reason I called! I can’t believe I haven’t asked you this considering Thomas and I have been engaged for four months, Jack I was hoping that you would be my best man?”

John opened his mouth in shock and noticed that Eliza had just came in with two cups of coffee. “Um- I mean yeah of course I would be honoured Alex to be… your best man.”

He looked up at the middle Schuyler sister facepalm and shaking her head. Before John could say anything else, Alexander was already excitedly talking which was inaudible to John but he heard ‘thank you so much! See you later’ and John ended the call with a sigh.

It was less than two seconds when Eliza cried “Why on the name on God’s earth would you say to the love of your life that would be his best man and be heavily involved with a marriage that won’t involve you saying, ‘I do’ Oh John…” She sighed and sat in front of him passing his cup of coffee.

John locked his phone and shrugged looking over at Eliza, her pretty face fuelled with concern and sympathy. “I want him to happy and I know he’ll be happy as Jefferson’s groom.”

“Oh, but John, I have known Alex ever since he was adopted by the Washington’s which will be 11 years and he will never be satisfied, and I don’t think he even realises that yet.” Eliza sighed putting a lock of her hair behind her ear. Changing the subject, she praised his work. “It’s a beautiful painting John, you have such a gift”

That comment made him happy and he looked over at Eliza who was walking over to greet a client, that was in the studio for the art therapy session, with her warm smile and sweet voice. John could only think ‘God bless Elizabeth Schuyler’

 

When John locked the studio at half four, the wind had turned to heavy rain to which he had stupidly forgotten to take his jacket out his car in the morning. Eliza was already in the passenger seat when she noticed he was soaking wet and gasped getting out the car. “I’m driving, and you will not argue with me.”

John couldn’t even respond as his teeth clattered and got into the car feeling the warmth as soon as he got in and sighed contently. As soon as Eliza got in the car he thanked her as she reached to the back seat to get a blanket that Peggy had left at his and Alexander’s apartment when the group crashed after a movie night.

“There” Eliza smiled placing the blanket on his cold frame and soon as she began to drive John was already falling asleep.

 

 

“Hey sleepyhead” Alexander rasped softly tapping John on the shoulder. “Betsey is running you a warm bath because she doesn’t want you to catch a cold as we both know how much you hate it”

John smiled softly at Alex and slipped the blanket of his body. “It’s stopped raining” his voice no higher than a whisper as he adjusted his eyes to his surroundings other than Alex.

“Yeah Jack, go inside and get that bath, I will bring in your stuff.” Alexander smiled helping him out the car and John felt the chill hit his chest which made him run up the stairs to the apartment they shared.

He smiled thinking of the domestic moment Alexander and he just shared as he opened to cosy apartment hearing friends on the TV and Eliza singing along to the theme song. “Thank you running my bath, you are an angel Elizabeth Schuyler!” He sang and gave her an overtop the kiss on the head as he made his way to bathroom.

“Anything for you!” Eliza laughed as she continued to watch the television.

 

John walked into the bathroom shaking his head fondly at the amount of bubbles in the bath and there were at least six candles creating the light as main bathroom light. John took of his clothes, with great difficulty as they were clinging to his body because of the rain. He then slowly sunk into the bath, his body getting warmer every minute. He sighed in relaxation as the music on the playlist that Eliza put on quietly and he recognised it immediately as he thought of Alex every time. 

_There goes my heart beating  
Cause you are the reason_

He automatically thought of just a few moments ago when he was in the car and Alexander’s voice so gentle and caring. How little things that the raven haired man makes his heart beat quickly

 __  
I'm losing my sleep  
Please come back now

John has also lost slept because of Alexander and especially when they fell asleep together on the couch or on John’s bed when watching a film, Alex goes to back his own respected bed, John sighed he wished Alex would stay but he knew Jefferson wouldn’t like it. Jefferson doesn’t like John and John doesn’t like Jefferson.

_If I could turn back the clock,  
I'd make sure the light defeated the dark_

Sometimes John wished he could back in time and wished he had told Alex’s his feelings that were there three years before Jefferson came into their lives. He was the dark cloud raining on John. But John couldn’t change the past but if he could he wouldn’t be scared or frightened of the rejection. He would make sure _light defeated the dark_.

_I'd spend every hour, of every day  
Keeping you safe_

When John heard this lyric, he remembered the time when Alex and Jefferson had an explosive argument they never really happen in his and John’s apartment, which resulted in two plates and a glass smashing, John wasn’t home when the argument took place and Jefferson had already left when he found Alex in their kitchen with his legs hunched up his chest. John remembered him promising that Jefferson didn’t hurt him physically at the time he only cared about keeping Alex safe. That was just before Jefferson proposed four months ago and it was the last time John slept in Alexander’s bed holding him tightly.

John stopped listening to the song as a single tear fell down his cheek. He couldn’t and wouldn’t cry. He knew that he would never be able to move on.

He got out off the bath and took out the plug making the water go down the drain as John always forgot to do that. He dried himself off and tied his slightly wet curly hair in a high bun and put on the pyjamas that Eliza left out which he recognised from the scent was Alexander’s. Eliza Schuyler was not sly. He didn’t overthink it just this once and got dressed.

He blew out the candles that were lit and then walked back into the living room seeing Eliza getting her shoes and coat on. “You are leaving early tonight Miss Schuyler.”  John teased as he sat down on the couch next Alex who was smirking at Eliza’s blushing face.

“That’s because she is going out on a date Jack” Alex declared his smirk still on his face.

John gasped “Oh my god! Who? Do I know them?”

Eliza still had a red face when she responded saying “Do you remember a few months ago when we started doing the art therapy and Maria? Her boyfriend was an abusive asshole and found out that she was bisexual and saw her drawings of women and he ruined all her art supplies… Anyways you know her story because you helped Maria as well. Well its her.”

John clapped his hands excitedly and smiled widely for Eliza as she really deserved someone to make her happy. “Oh Eliza! I’m so happy for you! Is this your first date?”

She nodded “Yeah we wanted to wait until after the sessions for the sake of professionalism and Maria wanted to be in the right headspace before committing to another relationship. We have met up for coffee and things, but this is our first official date. At least it has cleared up a little no more rain. Can I ask you two a favour?”

John and Alex looked at one another and said in unison “Yeah?”

“Don’t mention that I’m on a date to the group, I don’t want Maria to feel pressured in meeting everyone only you two and Peggy know because you know what the other three are like.” Eliza replied. “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Alex smiled, and John nodded in agreement. Alex also added “Text us and let us know how it goes, now because Jack and I are old men on a Friday night I’m going to put my pyjamas on”

John and Eliza giggled at him as he kissed Eliza on the top of the head goodbye and walked to his bedroom.

“I will see you out” John announced standing up walking over to her as she zipped up her coat. The pair walked towards the door and John gave her a big squeeze-y hug and then let her go to say “Have an amazing night okay? Stay safe because it’s pretty dark tonight and let me know how it goes!”

Eliza laughed quietly at John’s overprotectiveness “I will don’t worry, I have to go honey my taxi is waiting to take me back to my apartment to get my car. Love you!”

“Love you too!” John called as she was already walking away, and she turned back giving him a quick wave. When he couldn’t see the small brunette, he shut and locked the door as he and Alex were probably not going to be leaving the apartment until the next morning.

 

When John was back in the living room Alex was already there watching another episode of friends. He noticed John was back and gave him a smile, that wonderful smile John thought, and declared. “It feels like we haven’t spoke at all today except this morning! How was your day?” Alex finished by patting his hand on the couch next to where he was sitting inviting John to sit under the duvet that Alex had brought through from his bedroom which shocked the curly headed man, but he sat anyways. 

“Well, I was painting a commission for the couple with the toddler who is about two. I told you about them?” John asked, and Alex nodded listening intently. “I would show you, but I left it in studio as I didn’t want to ruin a highly paying customers item!”

Alex laughed at this and then began to tease “Oh but when I went you to draw me things it’s always crumpled and crushed!”

John gasped over dramatically and responded “You never ask for anything you ass! And I would never give you a crushed piece of art have you seen my reviews on Facebook! Five stars bitches”

“HA! You mean the five stars is because people like Eliza kind and welcoming presence” Alex teased again and then laughed. “In all seriousness I will have to come and see it before I do the trail on Monday, I’m sure they’ll love it John you have a talent.”

“Thanks Alex” John blushed. “What about your day? I thought you were going Je- Thomas’ tonight?”

Alex’s face faltered a little but then quickly resumed to ‘not bothered’ face “He had to rain check had a meeting or something along those lines. I went the cake tasting, the chocolate was the yummiest and I would’ve defiantly went with that one, but Thomas made the decision with Victoria sponge. I didn’t mind it was just fun eating the cake, I wasn’t even thinking about the wedding.”

Alex laughed a little after he made that comment and John joined in. He was overthinking again about Jefferson being an asshole

_Why cant he let Alexander decide for once_

_Why is he so frustrating?_

_Why does Alexander love him so much?_

_Just why._

“John?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”

John didn’t want to sound or make it obvious that he was too excited. “Of course, you can Alex, you know you don’t have to ask right? Its just me.”

Alexander smiled and got up “I know it’s half six, but can we watch a film in your bed, its much comfier than this couch.”

John nodded and got up as well “You head through I will turn off the lights off and meet you through there.”

Alex began to walk away when he called “Don’t be too long I want to cuddle!”

 

John turned the lights off as quickly as he possibly could, almost falling on his face in the process, he put all the overthinking thoughts to back off his head when he saw Alex in his bed with his hair in a messy ponytail and on the left side of the bed, Alex’s side. “Am I having to sleep closest to the door, so the monsters can steal me and not you?” John smirked.

Alex smirked back as John climbed into the bed and replied with “Obviously.”

John pulled the duvet up over their shoulders and shrieked when Alex put his cold feet on John’s “Stop! I hate it when you do that!” He whined put kept his body close to Alex.

Alex laughed softly “Oops? Are you working tomorrow?”

“We aren’t opening on a Saturday, but I was going to go in and finish the painting, so I could phone the dads letting them know it was ready” John answered his question whilst turning to face Alex and he saw his face falter slightly. “I can go on Sunday if you want to hang out like you said it feels like we haven’t spoken to each other”

He noticed that Alex looked embarrassed and began to ramble “Oh! No John its okay! Sorry I just wasn’t doing anything tomorrow but if you are busy we can totally do something in the week if you are free?”

John laughed fondly “Alex, don’t worry about it, I will go in on Sunday if you want you can come with me?”

Alex relaxed and moved closer to him. “I’d like that, I love the studio it reminds me of home, it reminds me of you and I don’t know why. Maybe because it has all your art work everyone just on the walls and is way cleaner!” Alex laughed at his comment, but it made the butterflies in John’s stomach go wild.

John let out a small laugh to make it seem he wasn’t being a weirdo. “Ha-ha Hamilton, very funny, you know you should be comedian instead of a lawyer!”

Alex smiled and the slid down the bed, so he was even smaller compared to John, he is a good few inches taller than Alex, there was a comfortable silence between the two then Alex said, after a couple of minutes of thinking to which John saw because he had his ‘thinking’ face on. “Can we cuddle?”

John’s butterflies were going fucking crazy now, he cleared his throat and smiled. He pulled the smaller man close who rested his head on John’s chest, both men sighed contently, John took the hair bobble out Alex’s hair he ran his fingers through the smaller man’s hair. God, he was fucked. Alex mumbled ‘thank you Jack’ with his eyes closed. John smiled as he knew Alex was falling asleep at a time that he never does – 7pm.

“Goodnight Alexander” John whispered and placed a kiss on his head. He prayed that he wouldn’t wake up alone for once.

-


	2. You should never cut your hair cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder and you will never know how beautiful you are to me.

Song: Wake me up – Ed Sheeran.

John woke up that morning happily surprised that Alex decided to stay in his bed and was shocked to see the younger man was still fast asleep. He also noticed that Alexander was closer to him, his nose brushing against John’s neck.

“Hey sleepyhead” John whispered, repeating Alex said the night before, as he began stir slightly giving the curly haired man a sleepy smile. “Good sleep?” John added when it was clear Alex was awake.

“The best I have had for a while Jack” Alex replied his voice still full of sleep. “You are way comfier than my lumpy pillows.”

John blushed softly and teased. “I have been telling you to get new pillows for at least six months!”

“Why spend all that money on pillows when I have you!” Alex retaliated with a smirk on his face pulling the duvet up to his shoulder like John did the night before.

John smiled fondly at his best friend when the voice at the back of his head muttered _‘Not forever. He’s getting married, and not to you.’_ This made John sigh quietly hoping Alex wouldn’t hear. But he did.

“Everything okay Jack?” Alex asked his voice laced with concern.

“Yeah I just realised we will probably have to leave this bed soon and I’m too cosy to do that.” John laughed sheepishly but he knows Alex wasn’t stupid and would have to do more convincing.  “Everything is okay because I am with you”

John then made an over the top kissing noise when he kissed Alex’s forehead.

“You are a mad man John Laurens” Alexander giggled and started to get out of bed. “Can I use your bathroom to shower?”

John watched him get out the bed and didn’t answer right as he was captivated in everything Alex did. Even it was flicking his, slightly messy, black hair of his shoulder. He was beautiful and every connotation with the word ‘beautiful’ matched Alex perfectly. He loved seeing Alex first thing in the morning before a coffee as he wasn’t acting like he was running out of time and holy fuck John was completely utterly in love with him and there was nothing he could do.

“John?” Alex’s voice called breaking him his thoughts and John readjusted his vision. “Is it okay?”

“Yeah!” John nodded and then added. “Sorry I was lost in thought there, I’m going to make us some pancakes.”

“Fuck yes! I love your pancakes!”

 _And I love you._ John’s voice whispered at the back of his head as he stood up out his bed as Alex left the room. John picked up his phone checking it whilst he walked to the kitchen.

He had received four texts from Eliza at half past 11 the previous night but he was already fast asleep when they were delivered.

 

 **From: Elizaaaaa** _at 11:30pm_

**OH, MY JOHN I THINK I AM IN LOVE. WE KISSED INSIDE MY CAR**

**From: Elizaaaaa** _at 11:3pm_

**John I’m helpless. She is so amazing and holy shit she is so funny like who could treat such an incredible person so horribly? It makes me SO mad**

**From: Elizaaaaa** _at 11:32pm_

**Are you asleep? Alexander isn’t replying either! Hold on a second…**

**From: Elizaaaaa** _at 11:33pm_

**Did you two go to asleep? John and Alex who usually fall asleep at 2 in the morning go to bed at reasonable time! You could’ve done that any other night not on the most important night of my life so far!**

John laughed softly as and began to write a reply

**To: Elizaaaaa** _at 8:45am_

**Omg I am so happy for you Liza! I’m sorry for falling asleep but Alex stayed in my bed the whole night and he was even closer to me than what we were before we fell asleep. I know this is bad feeling so strongly for someone who is going to get married and I would never ruin that for him but fuck I don’t know what to do…**

**TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT MARIA THO IGNORE MY CRISIS OF A LIFE X**

John locked his phone to it put in the pocket of the pyjamas bottoms and began to make his and Alex’s pancakes. He heard Alexander singing from the bathroom and it made him smile.

 

It was ten minutes when Alex came out to the kitchen dressed in sweats and John’s hoodie and John could’ve died and went to heaven as he held the two plates of his pancakes.

“Ah I’m so excited to eat these bad boys” Alex said licking his lips and thanked John when he passed him the plate. “Shall we go sit on the couch?”

John nodded following him to the living room where Alex’s duvet was still in a lump on the floor making the curly haired man laugh fondly. “Did you see the texts from Eliza?” He asked to make a topic of conversation.

Alex smiled and nodded excitedly “Yes! I’m so glad that she had a great date. She deserves the world. What about you?”

“What about me?” John muffled his voice full of pancakes and looked at Alex with confusion. He swallowed his pancake and added. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“I was just wondering if you were seeing someone” Alex replied.

“Oh – Oh no I’m not right now” John shook his head and glanced over at Alex who was surprised. “I’m too busy with work just now so I have no time to date”

John could’ve sworn that he heard Alex let out a sigh of relief and his face relax as he drank his coffee that John had made him. But that could’ve been his imagination.

 

The rest of their morning was spent watching Shrek and the two men reciting the whole film as they knew it so well it wasn’t until half twelve that they got a reply from Eliza.

“Betsey is going to facetime me” Alexander said showing John the text that Eliza sent, a moment later she was calling.

Alex accepted the call seeing the Schuyler sister smiling face.

“Hello lovebird!” Alex teased. “Jack and I got the late night texts! Tell us what happened then.”

John laughed warmly at Alex’s excitement for their friend and waved at the blushing girl when Alex leaned against John’s chest, so Eliza could see them both John put his arm around the smaller man as it hurt with Alex’s back against it, John’s butterflies were going crazy. Again.

Eliza was surprised at the pairs position, noting mentally that she would ask John about this at work on Monday. “Well there’s not much else to say! Everything that happened were in the texts sent to John, but holy shit Maria’s lips are soft, I think we are planning our second date soon.”

“I’m so happy for you Betsey, we both are, aren’t we?” Alex smiled looking up at John, and John couldn’t help himself but stare into Alex’s eyes.

John nodded distractedly and looked at Alex’s phone screen seeing Eliza’s surprised expression and thought _‘fuck she saw that’_ John cleared his throat and answered Alex’s question “Yeah of course! You deserve to have that kind of love that I can’t give you because you know gay as hell and not a girl” John used a teasing tone hoping that Eliza would stop staring at him and Alex.

Thankfully she did, she asked Alex how he was feeling about the court case on Monday, John smiled at Alex as the smaller man began to speak about the case and John was in awe at his best friend’s passion for wanting to make change and justice.

“Sorry to interrupt guys, Eliza I’ll see you if not today on Monday, I’m going to head for a shower.” John announced lifting Alex up of his chest. Alex pouted at the lack of warmth which made the curly haired man laugh so he stuck out his tongue.

Eliza laughed at them both “You two honestly, you make me laugh, See you later John!”

John waved one last time and the ruffled Alex’s hair before walking to the bathroom turning on the shower he undressed waiting for a few minutes waiting for the shower to heat up and then got in. He closed his eye when the warm water hit of his freckled back and he sighed and hoped that one day he would have love another person the way he loves Alex, but every time John closed his eyes all he could think of was him. And it was destroying him.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try and update the third chapter as soon as possible! I going on holiday for two weeks but I will most likely be writing this on the plane as I'm super excited to get properly writing this fic.  
> Hope you've enjoyed this chapter sorry it's slightly shorter than the first. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!  
> Thank you <3


	3. Towers of gold are still little; these hands could hold the world, but it’ll never be enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning: there is talk of body issues and lack of positivity regarding. So if anyone of you struggle with this please skip it. There is also some homophobia in this chapter as well. 
> 
> You are all beautiful remember <3 and be proud of who you are!

Song: Never enough – Travis Atreo (I listened to a cover)

John finished getting dressed and decided to let his hair dry naturally, he was too lazy to spend time on it today, he walked back to the living room and saw Alex with a frustrated facial expression as he sat on the couch, his phone pressed to his ear. Alex hadn’t noticed that John was back from the bathroom as he cried. “I’m sick of this Thomas! Don’t you dare bring my job into this and especially not John do not even go there. He has nothing to do with this – you know what? I can’t be bothered with speaking to you right now. Speak to me when you can form a sentence without it laced with alcohol.”

John watched as Alexander harshly pressed the end call and he saw the younger man face was now deflated and almost scared(?) John decided to be brave and placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder making him jump but relaxed slowly as he recognised who it was and John rubbed Alex’s shoulder with his thumb. “I didn’t mean to overhear, Is everything okay?”

John hadn’t see Alex’s eyes and was shocked when he did as they were bloodshot clearly showing that he had been crying. **_Alex hardly ever cries_**. John rushed over to the couch where his friend was sitting and held him close. “Oh Alex” John whispered kissing the top of his head and the anger filled the pits of his stomach as he wondered what Jefferson had said to him. He didn’t ask again, John waited for Alex to speak as he knows him to well because forcing Alex to speak never works for anybody.

Alex remained quiet for a few minutes as he calmed down in John’s arms. The smaller man glanced up at him and sighed. “He says things John. Things that he he knows hurt me or make me feel insecure. And he does care I know he does but when he does those things he acts like he doesn’t care for me at all.”

John nodded against Alexander’s head letting the younger man know he has listened and to make sure Alex remained calm he began to run his fingers through Alex’s hair. “If you don’t mind me asking Alex what was he saying?”

Again Alex remained quiet thinking for longer this time. He avoided John’s eyes and muffled, so quiet that if John wasn’t as close he wouldn’t have heard. “He made some remark about how once we are married that doesn’t want me to see you as much and he doesn’t like how you and I live together but he was the one who didn’t want to live together until we were married.”

John felt himself getting angrier as each second passed but let Alex continue.

“He also doesn’t want me to have my long hair anymore saying it looks messy and unkept, he asked why my work has t asked me to cut it because lawyers aren’t meant to look like that.” Alex whispered the last part. “He also thinks I should lose weight…”

That’s it. John jolted up and grabbed Alex’s hands, the smaller man eyes were wide with the sudden movement. John counted to ten and then said. “Alex look at me.”

John felt Alex relax his hands and looked up at him so John continued.

“Alex, I know how much you love him alright? But he is so so wrong. Nobody is perfect. I am not. You are not. Eliza is not. None of us are, but Alex you are my best friend and I have known you far longer than Jefferson has. You and I have a friendship many dream to have okay? He is jealous. Alex I hope I’m not overstepping boundaries but you are beautiful, and your hair is great please never let anyone make you think that isn’t. Okay?”

Alex’s nodded tears filling his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes. John wasn’t finished but he whipped his thumb on Alex’s cheek. Being brave again he left it there. “Alex, don’t you worry about your weight please it’s wonderful and I wish that you could see that.”

Alex sniffled softly and rasped. “Oh Jack, you always know what to say.” John felt the smaller man leaning in closer to him and the angry had disappeared from his stomach. Before Alex and John could reach one another the front door of the apartment opened and closed with a bang which made the two men jump apart and Alex whipped his eyes.

“Mon ami!” Lafayette’s voice called. “Hercules and I have been trying to call you both for the past twenty minutes!”

John jumped back from Alex smiling sheepishly and then grabbed his phone seeing the missed calls and walked over to the door where Laf and Herc were taking off their coats and he whispered to them. “Jefferson was being a dick earlier so if Alex is quiet you will know why.”

“Fucking dick, what did he do know?” Hercules grumbled as he looked over Alex who was biting his lip.

John quickly summed out to the two men and he watched as Herc’s face got angrier and Lafayette’s was laced with sympathy

“Oh Alexander.” The Frenchman whispered.

“Guys?” Alex called from the living room. “Everything okay?”

The three of them looked at another and just nodded. John led them back into the living room and caught Alex’s eye. The older of the two noticed the blush on Alex’s face.

John felt guilty despite wanting to kiss Alex, he would never be someone’s secret lover, why does this have to happen to him?

John sat down where down next to Alex and rested his arm on top of the couch just behind Alex’s hair. John was shocked when Alex came closer to John’s body and laid against his chest.

“Is this okay?” Alex whispered so the other two didn’t hear.

“Of course.” John rasped his voice was husky from the shock. “How are you feeling now?”

“I’ll be okay, I’m not going speak to him four a couple days.” Alex replied changing the subject he turned to the other two men who were talking quietly amongst themselves. “Hey guys! How are you two?”

John smiled at his friends catching up one another and rested his head on the top of Alex’s head and began to fall asleep.

 

  
“Jack.” Alex said softly which made the older man wake up as he opened his eyes he saw Alex’s smile and gave a him a sleepy one in return. “We’ve ordered Chinese, I got you some just incase your hungry.”

“Thanks babe.” John mumbled still sleepy from his nap and asked “what time is it?”

Alex blushed and replied. “It’s half five, Laf and Herc are going to stay over.”

“That’s good.” John smiled. “Where are they going to sleep?”

“I said they could have my room and I’ll take the couch.” Alex answered and then smirked with s teasing tone. “Hurry up or your chicken fried rice will be getting cold!”

John laughed stood up taking the blanket off and then stated. “If you want you can sleep in my room?”

“It’s okay Jack, I will be fine.” Alex replied as the pair walked to the kitchen. “Thanks though.”

“I’ll keep the door open.” John smiled which made Alex laughed as they entered the kitchen seeing Laf putting the food on the table which John and Alex never use.

“You two honestly, I wish you would use this table it’s lovely.” Lafayette tutted at the pair of them making Hercules shake his head fondly and John laughed as he and Alex sat down.

“There is no TV in the kitchen Laf.” Alex teased as he began to eat his dinner.

John nodded an agreement and laughed when Hercules said “he’s got a point love”

John and Alex laughed harder when Laf flicked his finger on the back of Herc’s head as he sat down joining the three of them for dinner. John glanced over at Alex and was glad too see that he was much happier than earlier on and John was content.

-

The four men were sprawled out the two sofas as they watched Harry Potter and the half blood prince. John head was on Alex’s lap and was relaxed as the younger man was playing with his curly hair as he watched the film.

“We are going to head to bed boys.” Herc’s voice announced. “I have to head into the shop tomorrow to finish that dress for the bridezilla.”

John and Alex laughed at him and said goodnight to the couple as they walked to Alex’s bed hand in hand.

“Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you being there today after Thomas today.”

John looked up at Alex who was looking at and smiled softly. “Alex I will be there for you always and you know it.”

Alex blushed and rasped “I know Jack, just thank you for being you.”

John reached out for Alex’s hand and gave it a squeeze. He sat up the warmth of Alex disappeared which he didn’t like. “I’m going to head to bed as well, but if you want you can come in my bed. I’ll leave the door open for you.”

Alex nodded “Sweet dreams John.”

_**They will be of you.** _

John smiled and waved to the younger man before he walked to his bedroom.

  
John took of his clothes deciding just to wear his boxers as he climbed into bed he reflected on what had happened to do with him and Alex and also Jefferson.

He also thought of the what ifs, what if Lafayette and Hercules knocked on the door five minutes later. What would’ve been the outcome? John felt guilt rushing through his body, Alex was engaged to an absolute dick but he was still engaged.

John glanced at the open bedroom door and turned onto his side as he decided to not give himself false hope.

When John held Alex in his arms or held his hands with his own, he was holding his world but it would never be enough as Alex will never know John’s true feelings. He sighed as he prayed that Alex would see how horrible Jefferson is but he wouldn’t want any bad happen to the smaller man.

The voice of his father came crawling through his mind and his harsh voice muttered _**this only happens to queers like you, disgusting fag. He doesn’t love you, nobody loves you.**_

John mumbled ‘shut up’ a couple of times and the voice of Henry Laurens slowly went away.

“Jack.” Alex’s voice called, he wasn’t dreaming, John turned around seeing the younger man stand in one of John’s shirts that was too big for Alex. “Does your offer still stand?”

“Of course.” John rasped and he cleared his throat. “In you come.” John lifted up the duvet as Alex climbed in, the black haired man had a blush on his face.

“Sorry if I’m being burden but I just couldn’t get comfortable on the couch.” Alex whispered to John, their faces centimetres apart.

“You aren’t burden to anyone, especially not to me.” John whispered back, being bold, he kissed Alex on the forehead then asked. “Wanna be my little spoon?”

Alex smiled and nodded, he turned around his side and John snaked his arm around Alexander’s waist and rested his head on Alex’s.

“Goodnight Jack, sweet dreams.”

John kissed his head again and whispered a good night. As he knew when he shut his eyes his dreams would be off Alexander.

-

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update ! Hope your are enjoying this story, poor John:(  
> I’m thinking about doing Alexander’s perspective in a few chapters if you guys would like that please let me know in the comments :)  
> This story will mostly be in John point of view though! 
> 
> See you in the next update! <3


	4. And there's no remedy for memory your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: verbal abuse and reference to body issues. 
> 
> If you struggle or have struggled with this skip past it. 
> 
> Stay safe loves <3

Song: Dark paradise  – Lana Del Rey .

  
When Alex woke up in John’s arms, he looked up at the clock seeing that it was only six in the morning, Alex felt safe in John’s arms which confused him as he didn’t feel this way when Thomas held him. Thomas rarely cuddled.

Alex slowly turned around facing John, his relaxed freckled pretty face sleeping soundly. Pretty?

Alex isn’t stupid, he knows that John is attractive everyone knows that. Alex felt a strange feeling build up in his stomach as he saw the older man smile as he slept. Butterflies?

**_No_ **

Alex dismissed this idea but when he looked at John again, he couldn’t take his eyes off him. He tried to shut his eyes and fall back asleep but he couldn’t, he was wide awake.

He thought of Thomas and sighed. Alex knows that John and the rest of his friends don’t like him but they accept him because Thomas makes him happy.

Alex sighed quietly and wondered was he really happy with Thomas? When he thinks of the future. He can’t see Thomas. But he always see John and guilt rushed through his veins.

John stirred slightly and Alex held his breath but John never woke. Why did this have to get so complicated? Alex thought to himself.

“Alex” Hercules voice called quietly as he knocked on the door.

Alex turned around seeing the dark haired man stand fully dressed. “Yeah?” He replied slipping out of John’s arms. He pulled the duvet over John’s body making sure he was still warm.

“I need to head into the shop to finishing on that wedding dress.” Hercules groaned and rolled his eyes making Alex laugh quietly. “Won’t be long till I’ll be making your suit for you wedding right Ham?”

Alex was surprised that Herc said this and he glanced over at John and then mumbled. “Yeah I suppose so.”

“I’ll see you later Man.” Herc said as he patted the smaller man on the back and grabbed an apple before leaving the apartment.

Alex sighed and decided to leave John’s room and go for a shower and he hoped that would clear his mind.

 

Alex stayed in the shower for an hour and he heard the rain hit the window rapidly as he got out and began to dry himself. He looked at his reflection and sighed. _**Disgusting**_

“Alexander?” John voiced call.

Alex cleared his throat and got dressed back into John’s oversized shirt. “Coming!”

He walked out the bathroom towards the living room seeing John standing in his boxers and oh man Thomas.

“Oh – I wasn’t expecting to see you this morning.” Alex stated his voice full of shock.

“I’ll leave you two it.” John muttered and walked to the the kitchen. Alex heard his sign and felt horrible.

“Hey sweet.” Thomas voice cooed as he walked pressed a kiss on Alex’s lip. “Is there is something you’d like to say Hmm? An apology.”

The old Alex wouldn’t let anyone speak down to him like this but that Alex was gone and as he looked up at the man he will marry.

“I’m sorry.” Alex whispered and avoided Thomas’s dark intimidating eyes.

“For?” He drawled and grabbed Alex’s chin making the smaller look at him.

Standing up for myself the voice inside himself screamed.

“Talking back to you.” Alex whispered.

“Good boy, you should know better.” He smirked and released his harsh grip of Alex’s chin. “Now I have to go and see James .”

Alex nodded and gulped, James Madison was their wedding planner and he didn’t like Alex much, it was a few moments later and Thomas had already left and slammed the door shut behind. The loud noise made Alex shudder as a tear fell from his eye.

-

**“Talking back to you.”**

**“Good boy, you should know better.”**

Those words haunted Alex for the rest of the morning, thankfully John never heard what the conversation but Alex knew John recognised something was wrong. Alex kept quiet, he didn’t want to bother John with his problems.

John had left half an hour ago to go to the studio to work on his commission and asked Alex if he wanted to go but Alex rejected. The younger man felt guilty as he was a little bit rude to John and he wished didn’t act like that. He hates you now. ‘Everyone hates you. Your lucky you have me in your life.’ Thomas’ voice filled his mind with his condescending tone.

“Mon ami?”

Alex jumped Lafayette’s voice startled him so he spun around whilst he was washing the dishes in the kitchen to preoccupy himself. “Oh Hey Laf – you okay?”

“Alexander are **you** okay?” Lafayette emphasised. “You have been washing the same plate for five minutes now. Come sit I will make us some tea.”

Alex nodded and placed the plate on the drying rack “Laf can I ask you something?”

“Of course mon ami, ask away.” Laf replied as he made the tea and placed it in front of Alex and sat down.

“Don’t say anything to John or Herc, please I don’t want to be a burden to them as well.” Alex mumbled softly.

“Alexander!” Lafayette exclaimed. “You aren’t burden, don’t say that! But okay mon ami I won’t say a thing to them.”

“I don’t know what to do about Thomas.” Alex whispered a tear falling down his cheek. “I feel trapped and I can’t see him in my future like I see all of you.”

“Oh Alex” Lafayette whispered softly putting his hand on top of Alex’s.

-

John sighed as he finished the painting for the two dads and laid it down to dry, it had taken him nearly all day to perfect it as John has always been critical of his paintings

His phoned beeped from the table and he picked up to check it.

 **From: Thomas Jefferson** _at 6:23pm_  
**Hi all, Alexander and I are going to have an small engagement party at the bar near my apartment on Friday, I have reserved the whole place for the evening. Let me know if you can make it**.

John scoffed and rolled his eyes at Jefferson’s arrogance and quickly replied ‘I’ll be there.’ Alex hasn’t mentioned a party to John but John knew that Alex probably had no say in the matter which made the curly haired man feel awful.

John swiped off the message and went to Alex’s contact and began to text:

 **To: My Alexanderrr** _at 6:28pm_  
**Hey Alex, an engagement party? Do you want me to make a speech? How was Jefferson this morning? I’ve finished the painting I’ll send you a pic x**

***image attached***

John locked his phone and it was only a few minutes later when Alex responded.

  
**From: My Alexanderrr** _at 6:32pm_

**Wow Jack! That’s incredible, Thomas was okay this morning he apologised. Yeah I wasn’t really wanting an engagement party but yes plan a speech if you want haha, are you coming home soon? I miss your freckled face x**

John laughed softly and typed a reply.

 **To: My Alexanderrr** _at 6:35pm_

 **The speech is already prepared, yeah I’m going clean up here and head home, do you want to go for a drive and McDonald’s when I come home**?

Alex replied almost instantly which made John smile fondly.

 **From: My Alexanderrr** at _6:36pm_

**Sure! I’m not doing anything I have everything ready for tomorrow for court. What time are you heading home?**

**To: My Alexanderrr** _at 6:37pm_

**About 20 mins need to email the costumer about the painting and clean up x**

**From: My Alexanderrr** _at 6:40pm_

**That’s cool see ya soon x**

  
John locked his phone and put it his sweatpants pocket as he cleaned up the paints he had been using and washed the brushes. He went over to the computer and typed a quick email letting the dads know the painting was ready and was ready for collection the next day, Monday.

He hit send and then turned off the computer, grabbing his car keys and the keys for the studio. He put on his jumper before leaving and then locked up for the day.

The cold air hit John’s face as he walked to his car. He sent a text to Alex to let him know he was on his way putting his phone in cup holder started his car, the warmth of the heater filled the car making John contentedly sigh.

-  
John texted Alex letting him not he was outside and it was less than five minutes that smaller man was outside. John heart skipped a beat when he saw Alex wearing John’s hoodie and sweatpants it was Alex who stopped his stare when he got in the car.

“Hey you.” John smiled at Alex who was putting on his seat belt.

“Hi.” Alex smiled back and caught the taller man gaze making John blush. “I wanted to apologise.” He added as John drove down the road.

John furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at Alex then back at the road. “What for?”

“I was rude to you this morning when you asked about going to the studio.” Alex replied and looked over at John.

John shook his head with a fond smile. “Don’t worry about it ‘Lex, I didn’t even notice.”

  
Alexander felt John’s hand rest on his lap and he felt himself start to relax and replied to taller man. “That’s good.”

John smiled but kept his eyes on the road. “I think it’s going to rain again tonight.”

Alex took his eyes off John for a moment and looked out the window seeing the grey clouds filling the sky.  
“Hmm it seems like it.”

The pair sat in a comfortable quiet, the music playing quietly on the radio as the rain began to fall down hitting the windows.

Alex laughed softly turning to face John. “You were right Jack, it is raining.”

John smirked and took his hand of Alex’s lap to change the gear and put his hand back in the same place making the younger man blush. “I’m always right Ham.”

Alex scoffed loudly, shaking his head. “We both know that isn’t true.”

John laughed loudly and patted Alex’s lap softly “Oh Mr Lawyer man, getting confident are we?”

Alex stuck his tongue at the older man and relaxed into the passenger seat. He looked over at John who still had a smile on his face and Alex couldn’t look away.

He can’t remember the last time him and Thomas acted like this, he was so cautious when he made a joke to Thomas as he would sometimes take it the wrong way and be pissed off. But when Alex looked at John a confusing feeling fulled his stomach and he couldn’t but it at the back of his mind, it wad always there with John. And only John.

“Want chicken nuggets and fries?” John asked which broke Alex from his thoughts.

Alex noticed that at McDonald’s and in the drive through. “Yeah please Jack, with tomato sauce?”

“You don’t need to ask ‘Lex.” John smiled. “Hi, can we have two chicken nugget meals with large fries and tomato sauce, and two large diet cokes?”

“Yeah, that’ll be 22.98 dollars please.” The teenage girl smiled.

Alex reached on his pockets to get the money but John stopped him gently by placing his hand on his.

“There you go.” John smiled handing her 30 dollars. “Keep the change.”

“Thank you” She smiled. “Have a nice night you two.”

John and Alex both blushed and he drove to the next window to collect their food.

“Do you want to just find somewhere to park and eat it in the car?” John asked as the next cashier handed him their food and the two of them thanked the teenager.

“Sure.” Alex smiled taking the bags of food in his hands so John could drive away to find a parking space and Alex was surprised at how quiet the parking lot was on a Sunday night.

John turned of the engine once he was parked and thanked Alex when he passed his food.

-

 

“I’ll give your money back from my half of the McDonald’s.” Alex said as he finished his meal.

John shook his head and smiled. “Nah it’s fine Alex, you can be pay for the next one we have.” He said with a teasing tone.

Alex laughed and then smiled. “Yeah that’s cool!”

Alex then rested his head against the seat and looked over at John who had done the same who was biting his lip and Alex knew that he had something on his mind

“Jack?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s on your mind?” Alex said.

John sighed softly “Alex, was Thomas actually okay with you today?”

Alex eyes widened, how did John know him so well. “Not really, He was a bit of dick but you know I deal with it.”

“You know Alex. If he makes you happy I’m happy but if he ever hurts you I swear I won’t sit around and do nothing.” He rasped leaning in closer almost like he didn’t want anyone else to hear what he was saying. Alex bit his lip and nodded.

Alex leaned in closer to the older man. “Thank you Jack, you deserve someone that makes you happy.”

I wish I could make you happy. Alex thought to himself and he was shocked himself by thinking that.

“I have someone in mind.” He whispered softly, Alex bit his lip.

John looked up at him and then leaned in closer to Alex and took a deep breath. “Tell me stop.”

Alex was confused but he wasn’t a few moments later when John looked deeply in his eyes and then moved closer his lips and Alex knew and he moved closer as well.

John placed his hand on Alex’s cheek caressing it slightly and slowly put his lips on Alex’s this was full of passionate that Alex was blown away.

Alex was so surprised at the feelings that erupted in his stomach and he placed his hand on Johns chest holding his jumper tightly as he bit down on John’s bottom lip making the older man moan softly.

John  pulled away after five minutes of them kissing one another, John removed his hands from Alex’s and his face filled with guilt and began to ramble apologies. “Alex, we can’t do that again, I mean I can’t do that again your getting married and shit I’m so sorry.”

And that’s when Alexander heart began to break. But unknown to him John’s heart was already broken. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about Alex’s perspective about the situation about with John?  
> Poor boys :(  
> Sorry for all the angst! The engagement party will be full of drama I’m sure! Any ideas? Please let me know ! That will be very appreciated as well as all your feedback! 
> 
> Thank you for reading see you in the next update! <3


	5. At least I’ll keep his eyes in my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: none just a whole lot of angst! 
> 
> For John’s speech I used the wedding speech from the book/film Love Rosie, the bits I have added to make sense to the story aren’t in italics 
> 
> Also few characters are in this chapter! Hope your are all having lovely day and excited to read chapter 5!

Song: Satisfied (obviously) – Renée Elise Goldsberry 

 

Since John kissed Alex, the pair hadn’t a proper conversation since, they only spoke when the group were all together.

“Are you going to come tonight John?” Eliza voice asked, she doesn’t know that the pair kissed but she knows something was up with them.

John pretended to be shocked and stopped cleaning up one of the art table. “Of course I am! I mean – I’m Alexander’s best man I have to be there.”

Eliza sighed and walked over to him taking his hand in hers making John look in her dark, kind eyes. “John.” She said firmly and then asked “What’s going on?”

John bit his lip and shook his head sadly. “Eliza… The thing is I – I can’t tell you.”

Eliza held his hands tighter whispered “You don’t have to tell me anything, but I promise you I will not judge you or tell anyone else.”

John nodded and sat down still holding Eliza’s hands, she had a confused facial expression but also sat down next to him.

“Promise you won’t say anything?”

“I won’t say a thing honey.”

John took a deep breath and rasped. “Eliza, on Sunday, Alex and I were in my car and – I – I kissed him.”

Eliza gasped her face full of shock and John swears she held his hands tighter. “Oh John, what happened after you kissed him?”

“He kissed me back and then he bit my lip and I moaned a little but I was the one to pull away, as much as I hate Jefferson, I’m 100 percent sure that Alex loves him and we were just caught up on the moment. So I pulled away and began to apologise and I said that we obviously can’t do it again. So that’s why things have been strange between Alex and I.” John explained a tear falling down his cheek which Eliza whipped with her thumb.

“Oh John.” Eliza whispered. “You know you don’t have to come, I can say you got sick here today.”

“No Eliza I can’t.” John said and shook his head firmly. “He would know something wouldn’t be right. And I’m not a coward so I’m going to this party with my head held high.”

Eliza nodded and checked her watch. “We should start getting ready.”

John sighed and let go of her hands. He walked over behind the till getting his and Eliza’s bags that had their clothes in. “There you go Betsey.” He rasped trying to smile as he handed her bag.

The pair went through the back going to the changing rooms to get changed. John put his work clothes in his locker. He put on a maroon button up shirt and black rolled up trousers. He brushed his hair and put it back in a bun and walked out the changing room waiting for Eliza to come out.

John sat on his phone replying to a couple of emails and then scrolled through Facebook, when a memory popped up on his screen. It had been three since Alex and him had moved into their apartment and it was a photo that John took of Alex sleeping on one of the moving boxes. John smiled sadly at this and then locked his phone, he looked up seeing Eliza standing in a light blue dress with white wedges. “You look beautiful Miss Schuyler.” He teased.

“As do you Mr Laurens.” She teased and held out her arm. “Shall we?”

John took her arm and nodded. “We shall.”

  
-

 

The drive to the bar didn’t take to long which John wasn’t happy about. He saw Peggy and Angelica waiting outside as they had texted Eliza saying that they would meet them outside so they could walk in together.

Peggy and Angelica waved at the pair of them as they saw John park. He and Eliza got out the car, John locked it before walking over but Peggy ran over to John and engulfed him in a tight hug. John almost fell over because of the speed the youngest sister was going. He laughed and hugged her back.

“How’s things John?” Peggy smiled as they pulled away from their hug and John hugged the oldest Schuyler sister.

“Ah not bad” John smiled. “How are you two? I feel like we haven’t see each other in forever.”

“Same as always John.” Angelica smiled. “Let’s get in there, I need a drink, I cannot endure this evening for Alexander without be slightly tipsy.”

John and two sisters laughed at Angelica’s statement as they walked into the bar, music filled John’s ears and was surprised at the amount of people that were there. The majority of people, John didn’t know, they must work with Thomas.

He looked around the room seeing Hercules, Laf and Aaron Burr, a lawyer and Alex’s co-worker. John also knew Aaron from college as his dorm was next to his and Alex’s

“John Laurens” Aaron smiled. “And the Schuyler Sisters, how are you all?”

The four of them said the typical “fine thanks you?” and the group talked about the mundane things about how people’s jobs were going, family and significant others, that was until Burr decided to ask John once the sisters had went to the toilet and Herc and Laf went to dance with each other.

“How do you feel about this John?” Aaron asked sipping his beer.

John looked at him with confusion and asked back. “What do you mean?”

“Well, Ham’s engagement party with Jefferson, I always thought you two would end up together.” Aaron stated.

“Oh – well I’m fine, Alex and I are just friends so I’m fine.” John replied and tried to not sound defensive. “He’s happy.”

Him and Aaron both looked around the room seeing Alex and Jefferson standing talking to some random guest. John saw Jefferson’s hand wrapped around Alex’s waist and Alex smiled, but John noticed it was strained and when he looked back at Aaron, John believes that he thought the same.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Aaron asked.

John did drive here but will be getting a taxi with the Schuylers and like Angelica, he couldn’t do this night sober.

“That would be nice Aaron, thanks.” John smiled. “I’ll buy you the next one.”

“Deal.” Aaron laughed.

  
**_Alex_** had finally gotten away from Thomas, and his tight grip, as his fiancé had went outside to have a smoke. He looked around the room seeing Laf and Hercules dancing together and had a feeling of melancholy in stomach as they looked **happy**. He saw Angelica, Eliza and Peggy walk out the toilets and he waved at them and tried his best to give a smile. The three of them smiled back and also waved. Alex watched as they walked back to the bar where Aaron was sitting and – shit there he was. John sat there sipping his beer and his fitted button up shirt showing his lean arms. Alex tried to tear his eyes away but he couldn’t, John is beautiful.

Being bold he began to walk over and then stopped dead when he saw his adopted father, George Washington, speak to John and Alex knew deep down that George didn’t like Thomas as much as he liked John. He continued to walk over but the group couldn’t see him yet.

“ – I don’t think Alexander knew this party was happening because he would’ve told Martha and I.” George stated to the group.

“Oh I’m not sure sir.” John replied as he took drink from his glass.

“John how many times do I have to tell you to call me George.” He laughed warmly. “I will see you lot later, tell that son of mine to come see him please?”

“Yes of course sir – I mean – George.” John laughed and Alex could tell his laugh was nervous.

The group waved at George as he walked away and Alex continued to walk over to his friends. “Hey guys.” Alex smiled shyly.

A collective of ‘Hi’s’ came from the group and Alex noticed Eliza was staring and her face remained neutral which confused him.

“Why are you all sitting at the bar? I was allowed- I mean I reserved you a table for you all.” Alex stated. Fuck why did he say allowed?

“Sounds great Alex.” Peggy smiled kindly and giggled. “Lead the way!”

Alex let a laugh that was forced but nobody noticed and led them pass the dance floor, to the right hand corner, the reserve tag wasn’t on the table which was strange because Alex put it there.

“Here we are.” Alex announced to his friends. The Schuylers were the first to the sit down. Hercules and Laf had finally stopped dancing and came over smiling brightly at Alex, he couldn’t help but smile back at his friends their love for each other.

“Hey you!” Laf giggled and bopped Alex’s nose, the smaller man noticed that his French friend was clearly tipsy, he and Hercules sat down next to Angelica.

“Aaron Burr sir” Alex smiled teasing his friend and shaking his hand, as Aaron is always serious. “How’s Theodosia?” Alex asked as he noticed his fiancé wasn’t here.

“She’s still got that sickness bug, it’s from working with the kids and with the cold weather its unavoidable getting a cold with snotty children.” Aaron said and smiled at his children joke. He added “She’s on the mend though.”

“Let her know I hope she feels better soon.” Alex smiled as he sat down.

Alex noticed that John wasn’t there and was ordering himself another drink. He turned around seeing the group talking amongst themselves but again it was Eliza who he caught staring.

This time she noticed and smiled before joining into the conversation by the time he turned back to face John, he was already waking over carrying a tray of drinks for the table.

“Aren’t you going to sit with us Alex?” Angelica asked as John sat down near of the corner, Alex noticed the only seat left was next to him.

“Alex? You okay?” Herc asked.

“Oh – oh yeah of course! Sorry I was in deep thought there.” Alex replied and laughed sheepishly and walked to the seat next to John.

  
John began to hand out everyone’s drinks and Alex noticed there was one last from him.

“Here.” John rasped. “I got you a vodka and lemonade, you used to drink them all time when we went out in college.”

Alex smiled and took the drink, John’s warm hands touching his for just a second. “That’s right, are you trying to get smashed John Laurens?”

John laughed loudly, and Alex’s felt so warm inside, he sipped his drink and replied. “Nah not tonight, when do you me to do that speech?”

  
John wished he didn’t say anything about the speech but he had to because there was only a matter of time before he had do it.

He saw Alex look towards the door of the bar with a scared look in his eye and he then relaxed when nobody had entered. John was worried about that so he mentally noted to tell Eliza or Lafayette this.

“I’m not sure Jack.” Alex replied, John’s heart burst it had the been the first time since the kiss since Alex had called him that. “I’m sure Thomas will have his own speech planned.”

John was surprised at Alex’s irritated tone when he spoke about Jefferson. “Yeah I suppose so.” John replied and took a swig from his drink.

John eyes scanned the room trying to see if he could find Alex’s fiancé. Ah there he was. John would have rolled his eyes or scoffed if Alex wasn’t looking at him and – oh fuck. If Jefferson was walking right over to their table.

“He’s coming over now, just a heads up.” John whispered to his friend.

Alex nodded but didn’t turn around to see where Jefferson was. It was only a few moments later until Jefferson was at the table and he but his hand on Alex’s shoulder making him jump. John looked at Jefferson and noticed his grip wasn’t gentle but before John could mention it, Jefferson began to speak.

“Alexander come with me, we have to do our speech to thank my – our guests for coming and Laurens? I’ll call you up for your speech, my best man couldn’t make it this evening.” Thomas spoke with his pompous voice.

_That’s because you probably don’t have one_ John thought but never said, he just nodded at Alex’s fiancé and took a sip out of his drink. He caught Alexander’s eyes which were staring back to him and he mouthed a sly ‘Sorry about him.’

John mouthed back ‘it’s okay’ and he watched Alex being pulled away, Jefferson hand on his waist and John sighed when Eliza rubbed his back in comfort.

John reached in his pocket seeing his speech that he wrote about their time in college and he realised that he hasn’t finished it, so he decided he will wing it after that. He looked out from his paper and the music stopped and Jefferson stood his cocky smile and Alex on his left. The group had to refrain from rolling their eyes at Jefferson arrogance as he began to speak.

“Well first off.” He began. “I would like to thank everyone for joining me and my future husband –“

_His name is Alexander_ John thought.

“- In celebrating our marriage.”

…

It was good twenty minutes later and John was get more impatient with Jefferson’s voice and He still hadn’t let Alex a chance to say thank you or say a word. He spoke about their marriage like it was business negotiation and he kept praising the wedding planner for helping with all Alex’s big requests, which made John mad as it was Jefferson who was making all the decisions and he noticed Alex’s confusion and how he played it off with a laugh. John also saw Mr Washington’s face of confusion but then gave a slight smile when Alex laughed.

John and the rest of the group were surprised when Jefferson handed the mic to Alex to let him speak, thank god, John thought and finally let himself relax to listen to what Alex had to say.

“I think Thomas has covered everything, but I think it’s time for my best friend and man to come and speak?” Alex said smiling in John’s direction and oh shit that’s me John thought.

There was a loud applause coming from their friends and Alex’s parents, which somehow made some Jefferson’s guests clap as well. John couldn’t help but smirk at Jefferson who didn’t like the attention of him.

John shook his head fondly at Alex and took the mic, the couple sat down in a table of front John.

“Um – Hello everyone, I’m John and as Alex’s said I’m his best man and let me tell you something about Alex that you may not know as he has hardly said a word this evening. When I first met him, in our crazy college days –“

This made the guests laugh and Alex shake his head rapidly at John with a small smile on his face.

“ – He was always ranting about something or someone, lucky for me and him we shared the same opinions on pretty much everything so we got on straight away. Now Alex decided for my 21st birthday a night full of shots and talking about our hopes and dreams for change in America. Although I think the pair of us, and our friends had a little bit to much to drink. _So word of warning Alexander can hold his drink to an almost lethal degree and I discovered this that night… You know – you know how some people say they get so drunk that the night is a blur and I always thought that isn’t possible, well believe it’s possible_.”

The guests laughed again making John’s smile and he glanced in Alex’s direction who wasn’t sitting with Jefferson anymore and he moved to the table were The Washington’s were smiling and laughing. John glanced down at his speech were he saw in messy writing wrap it up with a quirky remark. But John wasn’t finished, he put the paper in his pocket and looked up and John began to speak with less humour in his voice

“ _Choosing the person… Choosing the person you want to share your life with is one of the most important decisions any of us makes. Ever. Because when it’s wrong, it turns your life to grey. And sometimes, sometimes you don’t even notice until you wake up one morning, and realise years have gone by. “_ John took a deep breath and said. “ _We both know about that one Alex,_ if anyone doesn’t know we’ve had pretty bad break ups…”

There was small chuckle that came from the room but it was so quiet as this part of the speech was serious and special. John was staring directly at Alex and he was staring right back. John took a deep breath and began to speak again.

“Alex, your friendship has brought glorious technicolor to my life, it’s been there even in the darkest of times and I am the luckiest person alive for that gift. I hope I didn’t take it for granted, I think maybe I did.” John rasped, he knows he would’ve been heard if he didn’t have the mic in his hand. “ _Because sometimes…sometimes you don’t see that the best thing that’s ever happened to you is sitting there, right under your nose. But it’s fine, too. Because I’ve realised that no matter where you are or what you’re doing or who you’re with I will always, honestly, truly, completely love you.”_

There was small gasp, that John recognised as Eliza, but he smoothly stated. _“Like a brother loved his brother. And a friend loves a friend. I will always stay in guard of your dreams Alex_ , it doesn’t matter if they are weird.”

John never looked away from Alex’s eyes and he never away looked from John’s. It was only a few moments, but it felt like a lifetime and still wasn’t enough, but John was the one who looked away and cleared his throat and exclaimed. “So everyone if you please, join me in toast the grooms to be”

John raised his glass and so did Alex but unlike all those years ago when Alex raised it for freedom, this time it was the furthest thing from freedom.

John took a drink from his glass when everyone else did and thought of Alex’s eyes that were so bright and wonderful. If he and Alex couldn’t be together at least he kept his eyes in his life and memory.

-

It had been a couple of hours since John had said his speech and he decided to not have much to drink, only a couple more. This was his fourth drink and he felt fine. Alex hadn’t came back to their table, he was sitting with the Washington’s and this time Jefferson was sitting with them. He had noticed John glancing in their direction and Jefferson, being the dick that he is, put his arm around Alex’s shoulders.

“Ignore him.” Angelica muttered to him as she sipped her wine to not show Jefferson they were talking about him. “You know the majority of his guests are his employees and the reason they came is because they are scared he is going to fire them.”

“Really? How do you know?” John asked.

“Abigail Adams was telling Eliza, Peggy and I in the bathroom, her husband works for Jefferson and she wants John to get a new job but he’s friends with Thomas and she hates him.” Angelica explained finishing her wine.

“Alex doesn’t like John Adams, shame such a lovely girl married such an idiot.” John added. “I’m sure people will be saying that about Alex marrying Jefferson.”

Angelica nodded in agreement. “Oh! John that’s what I was going to ask you, we are getting a taxi home, do you want to join us?”

“If that’s okay, I was going to drive but I’ve had a couple of drinks so I’ll pick it up in the morning.” John explained.

“Yeah that’s fine! I’m going to find Peggy and let her know.” Angelica smiled and got up walking away from the find her youngest sister.

John was sitting alone at the table now, glancing at his phone seeing the time was half eleven, he smiled seeing his lock screen was a picture of him and Alex on Christmas Day the year before at the Washingtons when Alex wasn’t engaged and Jefferson had to go to France for business.

“Why didn’t you tell him all those years ago?” John jumped and turned around seeing Aaron with two pints of beer and handed John one.  
  
“You can talk, took you a whole year ‘waiting for it’ to ask Theo to be your girlfriend.” John scoffed, he did like Aaron, just sometimes he gets on his nerves.

“But I did ask her John that’s the difference. Look I’m not trying to stir anything but you and Alex are far more suited everyone knows it but nobody wants to admit it. Be the brave guy you were you came out to your father and proved him wrong John.” Aaron replied.

“I would if I could Burr, I would if I could.” John sighed and took a big gulp of the beer Aaron gave him.

Aaron was going to say something but Peggy caught him as she ran over to the table with the smile she always wore on her face. “Hey guys, sorry to but in to this conversation, but our taxi is here John.”

John nodded, who was glad this conversation was over if he was being honest, and put his jacket on. “I will see you later Aaron.”

“Think about what I said John.” Aaron stated firmly and he walked away.

“Everything okay?” Peggy asked as she watched a very strange exchange between her friends.

“All good Pegs.” John smiled and looked over seeing Alex speaking to the Washingtons by himself, he decided to take a chance when Jefferson wasn’t there to be irritating. “I’m going to say bye to the Washingtons and Alex, tell the taxi I will be two seconds.”

“Yeah of course!” Peggy smiled and she walked away towards the entrance of the bar and left.

John walked over to where the Washingtons table was and was greeted with Martha’s excited voice saying “John! Oh how are my darling! I haven’t seen since your birthday! Alexander was telling us you and Eliza’s art studio and how much you have came on since you started this year.”

“Yeah I would’ve came down to see you both, just been so busy. The art studio has been getting better each day if you have time you are welcome to visit anytime.” John smiled at her. “I came over to say bye, the Schuylers and I have a taxi waiting outside.”

“Are you going home tonight?” Alex asked softly, as George and Martha began their own conversation allowing the two of them to talk.

“Eliza asked earlier if I wanted to stay at their apartment but I declined, so yeah I will be home, you aren’t staying over at Jefferson?” John asked

“No I didn’t –“ Alex began but was caught of guard with Jefferson’s voice shouted over.

“Alexander, don’t be rude come over at meet my friends.”

John shook his head in frustration and said “Tell me later?”

John waved at the Washingtons and glanced one last time at Alex before walking away. He felt the cold night air hit his face as he left the bar seeing the Schuylers in taxi. He got in the car apologised to driver for taking ages and then he began to drive away from the bar. John glanced back seeing that somehow  Alex was standing outside not with Jefferson and John also noticed that Alex was staring right back at him.

What was John going to do? 

 

 -

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah the angst! It will get better soon fingers crossed, what do you think is going to happen next?  
> An idea I have for the next chapter is having Alex perspective after the speech. Would you all like that idea? Let me know in the comments
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos, bookmarks and comments it means so much to me! 
> 
> See you all in the next chapter <3


	6. You see me in hindsight tangled up with you all night burnin' it down, some day when you leave me I bet these memories follow you around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- reference to death  
> -reference to panic attacks  
> \- and the angst, can’t have this story with a chapter without angst!

  
Wildest dreams – Taylor Swift

Alex’s head had been spinning ever since John made the speech. When John spoke memories of their times together since they have met were on replay. He looked down at his phone and unlocked it seeing his home screen of John and him on Christmas last year in the snow. The pair decided to have a matching lockscreen, Alex wasn’t sure if John still has the same picture as him, he couldn’t remember 

“John! Oh how are you my darling! I haven’t seen since your birthday! Alexander was telling us you and Eliza’s art studio and how much you have came on since you started this year.” Martha’s voice came which made Alex look up at seeing John standing there with a smile on his face and Alex couldn’t help but stare.

“Yeah I would’ve came down to see you both, just been so busy. The art studio has been getting better each day if you have time you are welcome to visit anytime.” John replied to Martha a smile still on his face “I came over to say bye, the Schuylers and I have a taxi waiting outside.”

“Are you going home tonight?” Alex asked as soon as he head John mentioned leaving and he also noticed Martha and George have their own conversation

“Eliza asked earlier if I wanted to stay at their apartment but I declined, so yeah I will be home, you aren’t staying over at Jefferson?” John asked, _of course Alex isn’t, Thomas wouldn’t let him_

“No I didn’t –“ Alex began but was caught of guard with Thomas voice shouted making him jump slightly.

“Alexander, don’t be rude come over at meet my friends.”

John shook his head, Alex noticed his frustration and he said “Tell me later?”

Alex couldn’t reply to him as John was already walking away. The feeling guilt rushed inside him

“Alexander!” Thomas voice shouted again and Alex turned around seeing his angry face and he noticed Thomas’ ‘friends’ faces were full of surprise  at Thomas’ tone.

“Thomas I have met all your ‘friends’ this evening. Now please let me go and see mines.” Alex stated firmly, feeling brave for the first time in a while, and walked quickly so Thomas couldn’t grab his arm.

Alex left the bar seeing John’s and The Schuylers taxi drive away, He saw John looking back at him and once the taxi went around the corner, John was out of sight.

“Fuck.” Alex rasped, luckily he saw a taxi coming down the street which was empty and he raised his hand to call the driver over which he did.

Getting in the car, he told the driver the address of the apartment and the driver smiled and nodded. Alex sat back into his seat not looking back at the bar and he glanced out the window and the thunder began to roar.

This made Alex slightly nervous as he had a fear of thunder due to the **_hurricane_** which was the catalyst that killed his birth mother when he was eleven. There was a crack of lighting that made him jump as he tried to not look out the window.

“Bad weather tonight huh?” The driver stated as he went around the corner, another bang from the thunder.

“Y-Yeah.” Alex nodded and bit his lip a little. He heard another bang and jumped.

Alex then closed his eyes seeing the grey form the _hurricane_. And the _grey_ and darkness Alex saw from all of the destruction. The _grey_ colour of his mother when she was dying and Alex was in her frail arms. The faint beating of her heart slowly fading away into nothing.

“Uh – man?” The driver voice called, Alex jerked his head and opened his eyes. “We are at your stop.”

“Oh! Right – sorry how much?” Alex asked.  
  
“20 dollars please.” The driver replied.

Alex nodded and handed the twenty dollar bill to the driver and jumped out the car. The rain began to pour down rapidly as he got out. Only wearing his dress shirt he quickly ran up the stairs using the key to get into the main apartment door and went up the echoing stair case to his and John’s home.

Still feeling anxious about the impending thunderstorm. He opened the door seeing the darkness which was a clear indication to Alex that John wasn’t home. He put his keys on the shelf next to door and turned on the living room light. He sighed quietly as he was wet from the rain.

Alex kicked off shoes and took of his trousers at the door walking to his bedroom finding a old pair of sweatpants, that were John’s, and jumper, that was Laf’s.

He put his wet clothes in the washing basket and would sort them out in the morning.

“Alex?” Johns voice called as Alex heard the door shut. The rain battered down on the window next to Alex’s bed. Alex couldn’t look away from it, it was like he had frozen and despite wanting to move away he couldn’t. John repeated. “Alex?”

Alex heard footsteps coming towards the door. Alex didn’t realise that he had shut it as there was a faint knock and then John walked in.

“Oh Alex.” John rasped and looked out the window and he must’ve knew why Alex was so freaked as he he heard a faint muffle. “The storm.”

“Y-Yeah” Alex managed to reply. “I don’t why I’m so anxious about this one, maybe because I’m wasn’t with you when it started.”

Whenever there is a thunderstorm, John and Alex somehow are always with each other and John was the first person outside of The Schuyler family and The Washingtons to know how his mother died and that he was adopted, as there was a bad storm on their third month in college together and John found Alex crying and shaking violently on their dorm room floor.

“Oh Alex, I’m sorry.” John whispered placing his hand top of Alex’s arm, rubbing it softly. “I’m going to go and quickly change out of these wet clothes and come back okay?”

Alex nodded and turned around to face him, their noses nearly touching, Alex could see John’s freckles so clearly when he was this close. “Will you stay in my bad tonight, but maybe bring your pillows?” Alex asked with a small smile.

“Yeah of course ‘Lex” John laughed softly and held his glance for a second more before he turned around, leaving the bedroom to get changed.

Alex climbed into his bed, moving into the side closest to the wall so John didn’t have to climb over him. He pulled the duvet over his shoulders waiting for John to come back.

“Want me to close the door?” John asked, Alex looked up seeing him standing wearing only a sweatpants and no top. Alex couldn’t help look at John’s toned body.

“Yeah please.” Alex rasped after staring and he looked down his body, feel slightly insecure about it, he had never been muscular.

John closed the door and walked over to the bed, getting in, he looked down at Alex and asked “Want a cuddle ‘Lex?”

The thunder roared from the outside and the rain hit against the window, Alex didn’t reply to the older man and Just moved closer to him. John wrapped his arm around Alex’s waist as Alex rested his head and his hand on John’s bare chest, which was surprisingly warm.

Alex felt John remove his hand from his waist as he began to play with Alex’s hair making him relax more.

  
John noticed and then asked “Why didn’t you stay at Jefferson’s?”

“I didn’t want – “ Alex began was caught off by the ringer on his phone, that was on his bedside table.

John picked it up and Alex saw his face falter slightly and rasped. “It’s Jefferson.”

A weird feeling built up in Alex’s stomach, _fear?_ As John handed Alex’s phone and Thomas’ contact number came up on the screen. Alex let it ring out. He felt brave, know he would suffer the consequences _(?)_ in the morning.

“I’ll speak to him in the morning.” Alex replied and then asked. “Could you maybe put that back on the charge for me Jack?”

John nodded taking his phone and put on charge. He turned back and Alex laid back down on John’s chest, and John played with Alex’s hair.

“Where was I?” Alex asked himself then remembered. “Oh! I didn’t want too and also Thomas said something about being busy tomorrow morning so..”

“Oh.” John mumbled then asked. “What is he doing?”

“No idea, he didn’t say.” Alex replied and looked up at Johns face, seeing his eyebrows slightly furrowed with confusion.

“It’s weird that he doesn’t tell you.” John stated, Alex agreed, and then John rambled. “I mean – like if I were _your fiancé_ I wouldn’t want you to worry or not know where I am because I know how much you worry if you can’t get in touch with people.”

 ** _Sometimes I wish you were my fiancé_** Alex thought. _Oh shit_. The guilt rushed through him again. He _loves_ Thomas not John. John is his _best friend_. Thomas is going to be his **_husband_**

“I know.” Is all Alex could say. After a few minutes he added. “Thomas thinks that’s silly you know.”

“What? Your anxiety?” John asked, shock clearly on his face.

Alex nodded. “Not all the time, but sometimes he says it’s silly – and – well sometimes he’s right. I do get anxious over some things that I shouldn’t.”

“No Alex.” John said shaking his head rapidly and he sat up, which made Alex sit up as well. “Thomas is wrong. Your anxiety isn’t something that you can’t control sometimes and he should understand that. Some days are better than other, Yes that’s true, but that doesn’t mean every day is good.”

Alex was slightly surprised than John said this but he nodded. “I know but Thomas doesn’t really understand it sometimes, he has never known someone with anxiety before.”

 

 _ **John**_ couldn’t believe his ears, Why was Alex defending Jefferson and believing that Alex fought he was in the wrong and not Jefferson. Trying to justify Jefferson’s shitty actions 

“Alex.” He rasped quietly. “Maybe that’s true, but if he loves you he should educating himself to help you with your panic attacks and not being ignorant about it.”

“He is trying.” Alex objected.

“I don’t think he is Alex!” John exclaimed, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. “I don’t think he will ever try. He doesn’t deserve you. Hell he never did. He should’ve have been able to get you in the first place.”

“He loves me John.” Alex replied, his tone firm but his, beautiful and captivating, face said different.

“Yes Alex you are probably right, but he doesn’t love you in the right way. I’m sorry I had to say it.” John stated. “I can’t stand him you know? But I don’t say anything because he makes you happy.”

John stopped talking after that, he felt like he had said enough. There was a silence after that between the two of them. I

Alex bit his lip and moved to where John was sitting, the taller boy was looking out the window. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologising?” John whispered, his eyes still looking out the window at the night sky, the bright stars reminding him of Alex’s eyes, which made John realise he hasn’t seen that shine for a while.

It was few minutes later until Alex mumbled. “I made you mad.”

John was shocked and looked over at him. “Alex you never made me mad, it was Jefferson that frustrated me because he didn’t care for you when you needed him to be.”

John took a deep breath and turned around to face Alex who was sitting on his knees, John copied him and the placed his hand on Alex’s face. John felt Alex relax against his hand as John rubbed his thumb against Alex’s cheek.

“Oh right.” Alex whispered and John looked deeply in Alex’s blue eyes, and for the first time in a few months he saw a glint of that spark that John loves Alex come back.

“John?” Alex’s voice asked, which broke John from his thoughts.

“Yeah ‘Lex.” John rasped out, he couldn’t help look away from Alex’s eyes.

“I’m going to ask you do something, you can say no but I would like you do it to get out my system and I think yours as well.” Alex rambled slightly not looking away.

“What’s that?”

John noticed Alex take a small breath looking down, avoiding John’s eyes. “Kiss me.” He rasped.

John was shocked but he acted upon Alex’s request, as he knew this would be the last time he will ever have this moment. John gently lifted Alex’s chin with his hand. Their eyes meeting for second before John leaned in pressing his lips onto Alex’s. John kissed the younger boy softly, but John felt his urgency and lack of Want for gentleness as Alex wrapped his arms around John’s neck pulling him closer to his smaller frame.

John wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist, their nose bumping awkwardly together but John moved his face to left slightly. John slipped his tongue in Alex’s mouth and – the two of them were kissing like mad. Alex’s gentle tongue movement around his wasn’t enough for John, not after all the time, the kiss in the car was nothing compared to this moment.

John felt Alex’s hands, almost like magic, pulled his curly hair out the bun and gripped so their bodies were closer. John pushed them down onto the bed, not forceful but definitely not gentle. Alex’s head hitting against the pillow, He bit down on the bottom of John’s lip.

A low moan escaped from his throat as he continued to kiss Alex. This was so wrong he thought but he couldn’t stop Alex was like a drug and it only took hit for him to be addicted.

Alex hummed contently against John’s lips, John slowly pulled away from the kiss, catching his breath. The light from outside of the window catching Alex’s face with his red lips from their kissing and his rosy cheeks and John noticed thelook of fear on his face.

John felt guilt rush inside him, not because of Jefferson but the look on Alex’s face. John glanced once more at Alex, admiring all his beauty and his dark under eyes the boy needs to sleep more he thought to himself. A small smile covered his lips when he had an idea.

“Tell me to stop if you don’t want to continue.” John whispered his lips almost touching Alex’s teasing the younger boy.

John began to kiss the different parts of Alex’s face. “One for your forehead.” He smiled kissing the middle of it chastely. This made Alex giggle softly.

“One for your little nose.” John stated quietly and then kissed his nose, making Alex scoff

“You know my nose isn’t small.” Alex laughed. “You, Herc and Laf make jokes all the –“

“Shhh.” John smiled placing his finger on Alex’s lip, John was surprised when Alex kissed it gently.

“Another two kisses for your cheeks.” John smiled and then smirked to add before he kissed them. “Damn they are greedy.”

John felt Alex’s laugh as he kissed Alex’s cheek. “Now I think that’s all the placing I could possibly kiss. Don’t you think so ‘Lex?”

“Mmmm” Alex hummed, understanding the cliche joke so he shook his head. “No I think you missed one spot”

“Oh I know!” John exclaimed, trying not to laugh and he noticed that Alex was already smiling. “Your lips.”

“Yeah…” Alex whispered, John felt the seriousness surrounding them after that moment.

“I can – I can stop.” John rambled as he started to move but it was Alex who grabbed John’s face and brought him close to his.

“You haven’t kissed my lips. You don’t want to lose.” Alex whispered as he slid his hands down to John’s bare chest. “Kiss me Jack. One more time that’s all I ask is this.”

John nodded and met Alex’s lips, it was less rough passion but more emotional passion as he felt a single tear fall down his face and he could’ve sworn that Alex was also crying as well. 

The final few kisses were stolen until the pair fell asleep before the sun rose, away from the outside world for just _one final night_ , where Alex could be John’s arms and not worry about the consequences. Where John could dream that was his reality and Jefferson wasn’t apart of their lives for just those thirty minutes.

 

  
Because everything changes when the pair wake the following morning and the night they just shared could’ve been in _**their wildest dreams**_. 

-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOOOOW what a chapter! Let me know your thoughts and what you think may happen next? These boys I swear.  
> So much angst! 
> 
> Also I would like to apologise I wish i could’ve upload this chapter sooner but I wanted to chill and not really write anything on the last couple of days of my holiday! I also was seeing family and friends so had no time to finish the chapter but I have finally finished it! Sorry again for such a long wait guys! 
> 
> Thank you again again for all your comments, kudos etc. It means so much to me! 
> 
> Hope you are all well and have enjoyed this chapter! See you in the next one! <3


	7. I don't want them to know the way I loved you I don't think they'd understand it,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings
> 
> \- slight violence  
> \- body shaming  
> \- implied/ references to child abuse.

Hurt likes hell - Fleurie 

 

 

When Alexander woke that morning, John was still asleep, and it was the sound of ringing that woke him up. Alex sighed quietly as he moved his head of John’s chest and feeling the cold as soon as he stepped out the bed.

It was Thomas who was calling, fear filling his stomach but he tried to ignore as that feeling confused him. “Thomas? I thought you were busy this morning.” Alex asked.

“Alexander I have been trying to call you six times.” Thomas hissed down the phone.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear it.” Alex apologised.

“Whatever, now the reason I’m calling is I want you to come with me to see the venue for the wedding as the blasted manger insisted to James that the second fiancé should have a decision.” Thomas spoke and Alex listened, _like always_. “Now you better be ready in ten. Love you sweet pea.”

Alex couldn’t even reply as Thomas had already ended the call. He sighed and looked over seeing John sleeping soundly. The words John told him last night about how he felt about ‘Jefferson’ crossed his mind.

But Alex tried to push this to the back off his mind, as Thomas had tried to phone him and actually let him give his opinion and ideas to the venue. He quickly changed out his pyjamas and put on some clothes. Looking back at John, memories of them kissing in his bed flooding back, how Thomas’ touch and lips had never made him feel like home. But John’s _did_.

He decided to write John a quick note letting him know where he was. Grabbing a piece of paper and pen he quickly and _messily_ wrote what he wanted to say, wanting to write more but couldn’t as Thomas was calling again. Alex signed his name with a kiss and walked out the room. He decided not to look back at John as he knew deep down if Alex looked back at him he would’ve stayed.

Alex walked through the dark living room and went down the stairs leaving the apartment, the cold air hitting his face. He felt the fear resurface as he saw Thomas’ cold face.

Alex got in the car, avoiding the his eyes went got in.

“God sake Alex, you could’ve dressed up fuck.” Thomas stated disapprovingly.

Alex only replied “I know, I’m sorry.”

Thomas didn’t speak to him after as he began to drive away, Alex looked back at the apartment wishing he were still there, **_safe in John’s arms._**

 

 

 

  
When John woke that morning, Alex was gone. His panic disappeared slightly when he saw a small note on Alex’s bedside table.

_Jack …_

_Thomas phoned me apparently he wants to see me today after all, something for the wedding venue. Will be away the most of the morning I think._

_See you later  
Lex x_

John brushed a thumb over the kiss Alex wrote. The memories from the previous night coming back. The way Alex’s lips met his and he remembered crying. He remembered Alex crying as well. _**God everything is fucked now.**_ John thought to himself.

He looked out Alex’s bedroom window, seeing the cool November sun looked over the city and peeked over the skyscrapers.

John sighed deciding to get out of Alex’s bed, he made it for the younger boy and then to the living room to collect his phone. He unlocked it seeing a few messages from the ‘squads’ group chat letting everyone know they got home and they are safe from the storm. He looked down at Eliza’s contact picture ( ** _him and her doing an over the top pout_** ) and decided to FaceTime her.

He saw the time seeing it was 11:25, not bad for a sleep in for being up nearly the whole night. It was a few minutes later when Eliza picked up.

His phone loaded to Eliza’s sleep but smiling face, John could see that she still in her bed and pyjamas. The faint sound of Peggy singing from the shower.

“Morning ‘Liza.” John greeted her with a smile on his face which she returned as always.

“I’m surprised you are up and out your bed after last night!” Eliza teased, before she sipped her tea.

“Don’t worry I’m going to my bed now, just came to get my phone, I left it in our living room last night.” John explained walking towards his bed room, even though he wished he was in Alex’s.

“Ah I see” Eliza nodded. “Any reason for your call? Not that I don’t love seeing your pretty face.”

John cooed and replied. “You’re too kind Miss Schuyler… Um kind off? Are you alone?” His tone going more serious as he sat down on his bed and bit his lip. It was slightly sore from last night, thanks Alex.

Eliza’s noticed John’s serious expression and nodded. “Give me a sec, I need to close to my door. Peggy forgot to close it.”

John laughed softly at the forgetfulness of the youngest sister. Eliza put her phone on her bed, John looked at the white ceiling of Eliza’s bedroom waiting for her to come back. It didn’t take her that long.

“Okay John Laurens.” Eliza nodded. “Door is locked. What’s happened with Alexander. Don’t say how I know I just do. It’s almost motherly instinct.”

John laughed sadly at this, thinking of his mother and how he missed her **_so_** much.

“Buckle in then, because a lot happened after the party.” John stated. Not wanting to think about his family to much.

  
It took John at least thirty minutes to tell the whole story to Eliza. He saw a mix of emotions in the pretty girl’s face. Shock, sympathy and anger when he told her about Jefferson’s **_lack of care_** towards Alex and his anxiety.

Once he finished, he gave her a moment to take the whole situation in. He didn’t even notice he was crying until he looked at himself on the phone.

“Oh John.” Eliza rasped. “Okay honey this what I’m going to do, I’ll go and pick up your car as you left your car keys in my bag last night and I’ll come pick you up.”

“What are we going to go?” John whispered and whipped his tears.

“I think you need to take your mind of this just for a couple of hours and I think we should talk about this in person. We’ll go to the studio yeah? I’ll pick up bagels for our breakfast.” Eliza replied and John saw her get up and out her bed.

John nodded and gave her small smile. “What would I do without you?”

Eliza laughed kindly shaking her head. “I’ll be as quick as I can, I’ll text when you I’m outside.”

John nodded again and the friends exchanged goodbyes and ended the call. John sighed softly putting his phone on the charge and walked to the bathroom deciding to freshen himself before Eliza came.

 

It was about twenty minutes later when Eliza phoned John letting him know that she was outside waiting. Quickly slipping on his shoes and grabbing his keys to lock up the apartment.

“Hey love.” Eliza greeted John as she sat in the driver’s seat of his car. “The bagels are on the back seat.”

“You’re an angel Elizabeth Schuyler.” John rasped putting on his seatbelt.

Eliza smiled softly and began to drive away from the apartment. “So… Alexander.”

John over at the second eldest schuyler sister and he sighed deeply, she just nodded completely understanding.

 

 

  
**Alex** was bored. _So very bored_. Thomas was going on about all his guests and all his ideas. He had not even gave Alex a second glance. It was better if Thomas had came alone. Alex wasn’t sure why he even thought that Thomas would consider his ideas. His **stupid ideas**.

“Wouldn’t your fiancé like a say in this sir?” The manger asked, Alex heard Thomas gasp when he was cut nobody does that. Alex looked up from his hands, seeing her small smile looking his way.

“Oh!” Alex gasped. “um –“

Thomas interrupted quickly. “Oh no he’s has already made the decision on who was in the wedding party, we decided I take care of the décor and venue.”

 ** _Lies._** Alex thought but he didn’t say, the manager nodded and gave Alex _a sympathetic smile?_ Making him slightly confused. He looked down at his hands again, noticing he had John’s hair bobble from the previous night on his wrist. He smiled at this and felt silly when he did.

Thomas’ phone began to ring loudly in the hall. He took it out and smirked at the phone. “I must take this.”

Without saying goodbye to the manger or Alex, he walked and out the door, his phone pressed against his ear. Alex sighed quietly not thinking the manger heard him but she did.

“Are you alright Sir?” She asked. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

“No thank you.” Alex replied giving her a small smile. “I have to apologise for the actions of Thomas, this wedding is stressing him out and he’s not usually like this.”

 _Why was he defending Thomas when he was being rude for no reason_.

“No apologises needed Sir. I just wanted to make sure you were all right with the plans.” She replied with a kind smile.

He wasn’t but he nodded as she began to write things down on the clipboard. Alex stood, which she noticed. “I’m going to go get my fiancé. I will be two minutes.”

The manger nodded letting him go, Alex didn’t see her give him a look of sympathy. Alex also didn’t notice when she tried to stop him but he was to quick.

Alex walked out the lavish doors and down the hallway unable to find Thomas. He brought his phone out of his pocket noticing it was nearly 12 and he was extremely hungry. Remembering that he hadn’t anything to eat all morning.

He smiled a little at the picture of him and John on his lock screen, the memories of Christmas last year with George and Martha and John. Their faces red from the cold and the hair filled with snow. Martha’s hot chocolate and John cuddling him on the couch whilst watching ‘The Grinch.’

He looked up seeing Thomas walking around the corner, and the shock on his fiancé’s face as he noticed Alex standing there.

“Thomas I was wondering if you wanted to go out for lunch? I haven’t had anything to eat.” Alex asked, trying to brave.

“Oh Alexander, didn’t I tell you to try and lose weight for this wedding?” Thomas scoffed. “And even if you didn’t need to lose it, I still wouldn’t be able to make it. I have a meeting and I’m already running late.”

 

**_Didn’t I tell you to try and lose weight._ **

 

Alex couldn’t even reply he was that upset, he just nodded and after a few minutes of silence he spoke up and asked. “Well are you able to give me a lift? Or are you to busy to do that for me now?”

Alex realised after he said this, that he really shouldn’t have as he used a snarky tone of voice. He saw how Thomas’ eyes went dark with anger but still had a smirk, an menacing smirk, It all happened so quickly as Thomas grabbed a hold of his arms, Alex winced slightly at the pain and couldn’t move his arms as the Thomas’ grip was so tight.

Thomas moved closer to him, to strangers and staff in the venue it would’ve looked as though Thomas was kissing his head and Alex’s head was on his shoulder. But this was this was furthest thing as Thomas hissed in his ear. “You are lucky we are public sweet pea, otherwise you would be sorry. How about you get your little John Laurens and your little bitch Eliza Schuyler to come and pick you up. By the way tell him, I liked his speech it’s nice knowing that someone loves my fiancé.”

Thomas was like **venom** and that venom was running through Alex and he couldn’t get it out of system, it had infected him badly. At that moment Alex couldn’t comprehend what Thomas had just said to him about insulting John and Eliza, as the old Alex would be the first person to defend their honour. He would take a bullet for them. But that old Alex was **_gone_**.

Thomas let go of Alex’s hand abruptly and then said something about going to see the manger and told Alex to get out of his sight.

Alex didn’t wait around any longer and began to walk out the venue as fast as he could. He zipped up his jacket and pulled his hood up. The rain was hitting the pavements rapidly.

He stood under shelter and unlocked his phone, it going onto Facebook and saw that Eliza put a picture of John eating a bagel in their art studio the caption reading:

 _We love this place so much that we are here even on our days off! *Red heart_ *

Alex smiled softly, forgetting about Thomas for just that one moment was bliss. He ‘loved’ reacted the photo and put his phone back in his pocket. He saw a taxi that was empty driving towards were Alex was standing. Thankfully the taxi driver was a dick and he stopped letting Alex inside. Alex thanked him and gave the address of the art studio. The driver nodded and drove away from the blasted venue. Alex didn’t look back once.

 

  
**_John_** noticed that Alex had liked Eliza’s post and that made him blush slightly, Eliza luckily was making them cups of tea and didn’t see the redness on his cheeks. Strangely John’s phone began to ring and it was Alex who was phoning.

“Jack..” Alex rasped out, the sound of rain making his voice quiet. John pressed his phone to his ear to try and hear Alex more clearly.

“Hey ‘Lex you okay?” He asked, a worried tone laced his voice. “I thought you were away out with Jefferson today?”

Alex didn’t reply straight away. It was a few minutes later when he did. “Sorry I was paying for the taxi, um— Thomas had to go, business meeting or something. I’m outside the art studio, could I come and join you?”

“Of course come in love” **_love_?** John continued speaking. “The door is open, even though it’s say it’s closed, we didn’t want customers thinking we were actually open.”

Alex laughed quietly at this and John heard the door of the studio open. “I’m going to hang up, see you in two minutes.”

The pair ended the phone call and it was less than the two minutes when John saw a very wet Alexander Hamilton stand at the top of the stairs.

“Oh Alex.” John rasped walking over. “Let’s get these wet clothes off.”

The smaller boy smiled despite shivering and whispered a ‘thank you’ as John unzipped his jacket for him and put it on the coat hanger. “I have a spare pair of sweatpants through the back and you can wear this hoodie I’m wearing.”

“Won’t you be cold Jack? You wear your own hoodie.” Alex tried to decline but John shook his head already taking it off. Alex began to unbutton his shirt and gave it to John to hang up.

John couldn’t help but look at Alex. His body was beautiful and he had the most amazing curves, John knew that Alex was insecure about it, he had never told him but John just knew.

“I’ll go get those sweatpants okay love?” John smiled softly at the small boy. “Wanna come? There is a changing room in the back.”

Alex nodded but didn’t say thing, John began to feel slightly concerned. The pair began to walk towards the back of the studio hearing Eliza’s giggle, the pair realised she was speaking to Maria on the phone.

John rolled his eyes dramatically making Alex laugh slightly, but not his normal laugh which concerned John more.

John got his spare pair of sweatpants for Alex, the smaller boy sat down on the bench in the changing room, and John turned round seeing Alex taking of his shoes and trousers.

The smaller one of the two looked up seeing John’s stare, a small blush covered the middle of his cheeks. “What?” He whispered softly

John walked over to Alex their chests centimetres apart. He handed out the sweatpants, their hands brushing against one another. “Nothing, here they are, Sorry they are crushed they were in the bottom of my bag.”

Alex shook his head fondly, stepping away from John to put on the sweatpants, and John tried to give him privacy as he turned around putting his bag back in the locker.

“I see these are the ones you paint in?” Alex asked, as John turned back around seeing Alex was fully dressed, looking incredibly cute.

John smiled at his teasing town and just nodded. He walked over to the smaller boy and reached out his hand taking Alex’s in his. John was always surprised at the size difference in their hands.

 ** _Alex_** gasped quietly at John’s gentle touch, it was almost seemed foreign as Thomas was never gentle.

“You look cosy in those.” John smiled rubbing his thumb over Alex’s finger in a slow motion which made him feel more relax and slightly forget about Thomas lashing out at him.

Alex smiled back looking up at John. “I am.”

The pair stood for couple more minutes enjoying one another’s company. When Alex decided to ask “Do you have any snacks in here, I haven’t had anything to eat all day.”

 _‘Didn’t I tell you to try and lose weight.’_ Thomas condescending tone hissed through the back of his mind. But John’s voice snapped that away quickly.

“Alex! You haven’t had anything to eat? You know that can make you so drained and breakfast is the most important meal of the day – Yes we do have food here and you have more than one serving.” John rambled, still holding on to his hand.

Alex hadn’t even realise what he was saying when he blurted out:

“No! I need to watch I’m eating, I need to lose weight for the wedding- I will have some fruit or something –“

John stopped dead in his tracks and turned back around to face him, like Thomas did earlier but John’s eyes weren’t scary they were full of despair. “Alex… is losing weight something **you** want to do? Or does _**somebody else**_ wants you to do?” He asked taking Alex’s hands in his and setting them down on one of the sofas.

Alex’s automatic response was to hide and try and defend what he had he just said. Forgetting that John, his John, would see that he is lying. “No! I mean I do want to lose weight! I need to be more healthy – I decided to make that decision, like I have gained weight haven’t I? I want to have a body like yours!”

“Alex.” John rasped stopping the younger boy from rambling. “You are a healthy weight for your size and frame, my body shape is different from yours but that doesn’t mean that your body is wonderful. You have a curvy body and that’s absolutely okay. Do you realise that?”

 _No he doesn’t._ Alex sat with John looking down at their joint hands and couldn’t speak. He tried to stop his hands from trembling but couldn’t. John noticed and caressed Alex’s hands softly.

“Jack…” Alex managed to whisper his eyes not meeting John’s. “Thomas – he – before I came here – he”

Alex stopped talking, it was almost like his mouth was zipped shut and couldn’t tell John. The hard thing was that he wanted to scream about what Thomas had done and **leave** his fiancé. Alex hadn’t admitted that to himself before and the realisation of this was becoming overwhelming.

John didn’t know about the marks underneath his own hoodie that Alex was wearing. John placed his hand on Alex’s arm in a gentle motion but Alex still flinched at the sting from Thomas’ tight grip.

 ** _John_** felt Alex’s flinch underneath his hand when he held Alex’s arm. The same horrible feeling that Alex had six years ago when John came back from South Carolina to The Washingtons for New Years. When Alex found out about John’s abuse and it was on that Christmas that John came out to his father letting Henry Laurens know that he still was gay and the ‘treatment’ didn’t work.

“Alexander..” John rasped, his voice full of emotion. “Can I see your arm please?”

John took his hands off Alex’s arms gently so he didn’t hurt him and he watched the younger boy look up at him, his eyes clouded with faint tears and the sound of Eliza’s laughter who was still on the phone, who was only just in the other room but seemed miles away now.

Alex slowly began roll of up both of sleeves of his (John’s) hoodie and John gasped loudly seeing the bruising that had came up on Alex’s left arm and the redness on his right. “Oh, my love, how many times has he done this?”

“Only once! He’s been having a really hard time and is really stressed out because of the wedding and I was being annoying.” Alex rambled trying to defend him.

John tried to not get frustrated and took a moment to take in Alex’s defensiveness on Jefferson’s actions and how they aren’t okay.

“Alex…” John began slowly and then bit his lip contemplating whether to mention his father.

“Yeah?”

“Okay Alex, remember my dad? Well he first hurt me physically I thought he would only do it once.” John began and took a minute, as he hadn’t talk about that part of his life for a while. “He didn’t he did multiple times.”

“John.” Alex stated angrily beginning defend his fiancé again. “Thomas isn’t your father. He isn’t some alcohol dependent man who lashes out on his kids for being gay and thinks the only answer is violence after his wife died.”

John was in shock and he noticed Alex face falter after he realised what he just said.

“Jack – I can’t believe – shit I’m so so – “ Alex began to apologise but John was hurt and interrupted him.

“I try to help you.” John rasped standing up away from Alex. “Alexander my mom’s death had nothing to do with my father’s abusive nature. It has always been there. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical, you know that ‘Lex you know that.”

John took a breath then whispered. “I’m going to go and see Eliza. I will let you think about some things cause I feel like you need too.”

“Jack…” Alex whispered again making John stopped walking and turned to face the younger boy. “I didn’t mean what I said about your mother and father. I’m really sorry.”

John’s heart broke seeing Alex’s face and how it’s filled with guilt. “It’s okay ‘Lex, Eliza and I will just be in the main showroom if you need us.”

John saw him nod and decided to leave. He walked out the room seeing Eliza standing near the door, her facial expression full of sadness and John could’ve sworn that she had tears in her eyes.

“Eliza? What is it?” John asked the concern in his voice was evident.

“John – I – I didn’t help but over here and I remember from Maria’s experience.” She began and took a minute to compose herself.

“What do you mean? Maria’s experience?” John asked with slight confusion.

“John… I’m going to be blunt because I have had hard time when I started to realise this.” Eliza rasped grabbing John’s hands in her small ones.

“What is it?” John asked as the feeling of worry began to feel overwhelming

“John… ** _I think Alex is getting emotionally  abused.”_**

 

 

 

 

_  
Once John heard those words his heart began to break as he realised that he had not protected Alex like they promised each other all those years ago_

_And at that very moment Alex had made the realisation that he was trapped with a man who didn’t love him right and Alex felt that he will never be able to escape_

  
-

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers! 
> 
> Hope everyone enjoyed this rollercoaster of the chapter!
> 
> Poor Alex :( Poor John :( and Poor Eliza for making the realisation :(
> 
> Fuck Jefferson am I right?
> 
> Please let me know what you think about your thoughts and feelings in the comments below! What do you think is going to happen next? 
> 
> Love to you all! Thank you for reading and see you in the next update! <3 xxx


	8. What's mines is yours to make your own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> I am SO S O SO sorry, I haven't had a chance to upload this chapter in months, life just got very hectic with school and university applications! BUT trust me I have been working on this chapter as much as I could and have finally the time to finish this one. Im so glad to be back writing this story
> 
> I trust that you will defiantly enjoy this chapter as it has been a long time coming, apologies again
> 
> LOVE TO YOU ALL

 

**(For the start of the chapter listen to Unsteady)**

Main Song of The Chapter - Look after you - The Fray

 

Alex understood now the horrible feeling of being trapped and the reasoning, it was Thomas, it was always Thomas.The only time he didn’t have feelings like this was when he was with John.

 

He felt his heart beating rapidly in his body as heard the sirens from the city outside. Standing up on his wobbling knees, he looked out the window seeing a couple walking underneath an umbrella, despite the heavy rain they looked so _happy_ when just holding hands. Alex couldn’t remember the last time he was happy with Thomas like that. Or if he ever did…

 

Sighing, he walked away from the window and back towards the door. He didn’t want to be alone any longer. Alex put his hand on the rusting door knob and turned it. The boil of the kettle and the faint sound of Eliza’s voice filled his ears as he left the room.

 

Alex didn’t walk to John and Eliza, He had to go somewhere and clear his head. Quietly as possible so the pair didn’t hear him walking on the wooden floor boards, Alex put on his coat that was still wet from the rain earlier on. Looking back seeing that he was alone, Alex began to walk down the stairs bringing his phone out his pocket.

 

Alex saw Lafayette’s contact and decided to phone him.

 

“Mon ami!” Lafayette’s voice greeted, with his usual happy tone.

 

“Laf – um I need your help?” Alex rasped softly opening the door of the art studio and leaving.

 

“Of course Alexander… but do you not want me to call John as well?” Lafayette asked his voice fuelled with concern.

 

“No I have just left the studio. I – I can’t explain over the phone, are you able to pick me up?” Alexander asked.

 

The Frenchmen thought for a couple of seconds and replied saying “Meet me at the bakery round the corner. I’ll be there by the time you get there.”

 

“Thank you Laf.” Alex rasped, the two of them said goodbye and Alex walked away from the studio with a feeling of regret of not telling John and Eliza that he was leaving.

 

 

Lafayette was right, he was waiting for Alexander when got to the bakery. Alex didn’t smile when he got in Laf’s car but gave him a quiet ‘hello’

 

Grateful that his friend didn’t ask what was wrong first, Lafayette just started the car and began to drive away from where he was parked. After ten minutes of driving down the road, Lafayette asked “Where do you want to go Alexander?”

 

“Martha and George’s, I want to clear my head and think about certain things that are happening.” Alex began. “I need to make some decisions and I think I have do that on my own. At least for a couple of hours.”

 

“I understand mon ami, does have anything to do with John?” He asked, as he continued to drive down the slightly busy road.

 

“It has everything to do John, but also it’s to do with everything and everyone else.” Alex sighed resting his head again the head rest and closed his eyes. “My mind is just fucked.”

 

“You don’t have to explain everything to me Alexander, close your eyes and get some rest.” Lafayette replied but Alex had already fell asleep.

 

**_An hour and a half later._ **

 

 ** _Eliza_** had decided to go on check on Alex, as he hadn’t left the room and the pair were already worried. John was currently drawing Alexander’s eyes, they would always put him at ease

 

“John!” Eliza voiced called, John stopped drawing, startled at her alarmed tone. Getting of his seat, he ran to where the Schuyler was located. “Alex is gone.”

 

“Gone?” John rasped, his stomach dropped. “What do you mean gone?” Dropping his pencil and rushing through.

 

“He’s left.” Eliza rasped, pulling her phone out her pocket and began texting Alex rapidly. “Phone him.”

 

John already has his phone at the ready, he pressed the number 1 on his phone for Alex for speed dial, the older boy held the phone to his ear but got no answer. He began to get more panicky and scrolled down his contacts seeing George and Martha’s phone numbers, debating on whether to call them.

 

“Should I phone the Washington’s?” John asked looking up his friend who currently pacing and texting.

 

“Yes… but don’t get them panicked, just ask if they have seen or heard from Alexander.” Eliza replied not looking up from her phone screen, trying to figure out what to do as well or who to tell.

 

Pressing on Martha’s phone number and taking a deep breath. John held the phone to his ear.

 

She answered, Jack let out a sigh of relief. He began to speak. “Hey Martha, it’s John, I was just wondering if you have seen Alex –“

 

“John, my dear, Laf has brought him to ours about fifteen minutes ago? Well I mean he had to carry Alexander to his old bedroom, he was fast asleep.” Martha responded. Her voice full of emotion, mostly confusion and worry. “John, I’m worried about Alexander and I would really appreciate if you could drive here, if you can. It’s just George won’t be home for another two hours and I don’t want him to worry – if not I can phone – “

 

John cut her off, shaking his head quickly despite her not seeing him do this. “I will be there as soon as I can. Don’t worry Martha.” _That’s ironic John considering you are worried as fuck._

 

Martha thanked him and the pair both said goodbye. Eliza was staring at the taller boy and asked. “I take it Alexander is at the Washingtons?”

 

“Yeah.” John nodded grabbing his keys then continued. “Martha asked me to go up to see him, ‘Liza is it okay if I go alone, you know now Alex gets when he is overwhelmed.”

 

Eliza walked over and placed her hands on top of John’s shaking hands. “You don’t have to explain honey, it’s okay. Keep me updated. I need to sort out some things as well.”

 

Before John could asked, Eliza kissed his cheek, platonically of course, and left grabbing her coat and umbrella.

 

It took John a few minutes to grab his things and put them in rucksack, talking Alex’s wet clothes as well. He put on his jacket and put his hood up as the rain continued to batter down on the ground outside.

 

Leaving the art studio and locking up before running to his car, trying not to get wet as much as he could. He quickly texted Martha letting her know he was on his way.

 

Before starting to drive away he saw that Eliza had put up a post on the Facebook page for the art studio that read:

 

 **Hi to all our lovely customers and clients!** **Due to unforeseen family circumstances, the studio will not be open tomorrow (Monday November 31** ** st ** **) and the next day (Tuesday December 1** ** st ** **)**

 **I, Eliza, will answer any queries or questions about your appointment/sessions or commissions. Our email will be listed below.**  
****

**We apologise for short notice and we will hopefully be back open on Wednesday.**

**Thank you for all your support as always**

 

**E &J**

 

 _Fuck_ John had completely forgotten that it was the start of December on Tuesday. He was also relieved that Eliza had made the wise decision on shutting the studio for a couple of days to help Alex. John couldn’t even think about the studio properly, it was just ‘Lex.

 

Before locking his phone, he saw kind comments from their customers which also made him relieved. Putting his phone on the cup holder he began to drive as fast he legally could to get to Alex at the Washington’s. John knew it would take an hour to get there. John couldn’t help but remember how last year at this time. Himself and Alex were on the way to the Washington’s for the holidays and how _happy_ they both were.

 

 _“Oh Jack!” Alexander smiled brightly,_ John missed that bright smile _, “I’m so exciting for you to see how snowy my parents house is! I’m also so happy you are spending Christmas with us this year!”_

 

_“Christmas?” John joked. “How about the whole of December!”_

 

_Alex filled the car with giggles and turned up the radio, that was playing‘Driving home for Christmas.’_

 

John sighed sadly at the memory, on how quickly things had changed since then. His heart fell to his stomach as the snow began to fall on his car windows. Glancing at the empty car seat, he sighed.

 

**Another hour and half later…**

 

John was glad that he had finally arrived at his second home, the snow had began getting thicker and he was worried that he wouldn’t have been able to get his car to the Washington’s house.

 

He looked over seeing George’s car was parked, he must’ve have got sent home because of the weather, John thought to himself.

 

John grabbed his belongings from the car and began to walk up the small hill towards the Washington’s front door. Knocking on the door lightly he waited for it to be opened.

 

“John, dear” Martha said as she opened the door. “You know you don’t have to knock, come on in, let’s get you some tea. You must be freezing!”

 

“Thank you Martha.” John rasped getting most of the snow of his jacket and shoes before entering the house. “I see George is home, did he get sent home because of the snow?”

 

Martha nodded taking John’s jacket from him and putting it on the coat rack. “George made the decision himself as he knew that his workers and himself would be snowed in if they didn’t leave.”

 

John took off his shoes and glanced up the stairs, knowing where Alexander was resting, Martha must’ve noticed and she rasped. “He looked exhausted, even when he was sleeping.”

 

“I have noticed that as well.” John whispered softly. “Martha… I think Alexander is going through a difficult time at the moment and he is holding a lot things back.”

 

“I know.” She rasped back solemnly, both of them looked back at each other. “You know John, you’re the only person beside George and myselfto help Alexander not be so overwhelmed and emotionally drained… You are the only one makes him take a break.”

 

John didn’t know what to say he just nodded and followed Martha, despite knowing the way, to the kitchen. Where he saw George standing looking out to their vast back garden, which was currently lying in the thick snow, John saw the worry on the ageing man’s face. George turned around seeing his wife and John. “Afternoon John, how are you son?”

 

“I’m alright Mr- George. Just worried about ‘Lex” He answered honestly as he sat down on one their breakfast bar stools.

 

George sighed worryingly, looking back out the window, the three of them heard footsteps above them, they all knew it was Alex pacing in his room. George looked up the ceiling and then to John. He nodded, no words needed.

 

_It was time to talk to Alex._

 

 

_**Ten Minutes Later…** _

  
John stood outside Alex’s childhood bedroom door, deciding whether or not to knock. He decided to knock.

 

There was a silence and Alex’s pacing stopped.

 

“I don’t want anything to eat Martha.” Alex’s voice was quiet but cold. Then John heard Alex pace back to where his bed was 

 

John shook his head and grabbed ahold go the brass door knob, opening the door quickly and widely, Alex’s face was full of shock and disbelief.

 

“Nice of you to walk out of the studio Alex” John rasped, trying to keep his emotions at bay, as he shut the door behind him and he leaned against it. “Why did you leave? I was trying to help”

 

Alex’s face was unreadable for a moment and then responded his voice laced with angry. “I don’t need your help John! I need to deal with this myself and you fucking with my head isn’t making it easier!”

 

John eyes widened, his heart feeling heavy and a lump in his throat, He looked at the smaller boy and shook his head, John’s anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach. “I’m fucking with your head? That is rich Alexander, Deal with what exactly? That your fiancé is emotionally abusive dick?!”

 

There was silence, a silence that seemed to fill the whole house. John couldn’t believe what he had just said, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Or even apologise.

 

“I want you to leave.” Alex whispered, John looked up seeing Alex staring at the wall where a picture of them stood from last Christmas, He didn’t want to leave and he didn’t plan to.

 

“No, ‘Lex I’m not leaving - ‘ John began but Alex interrupted him.

 

“GET OUT!” Alex bawled, his eyes filling with tears, he was blinking rapidly. Another silence… Alex mumbled “Please just go John.” He slumped down onto his childhood bed, hunched over, a small cry but loud enough for John to hear.

 

“I can’t Alex” John croaked, as if his voice had escaped his body, He walked over to where Alex was sitting on his bed, John crouched down in front of the younger boy between the gap in his legs, their eyes meeting each others, in a sombre silence. John then whispered “I’m so sorry that I shouted love, but I cannot leave you ‘Lex I never will, you need me and I need you.” John wiped the tears of Alex’s red cheeks that were stained in his tears. John sat on his knees, being taller than Alex he was still at his eye level.

 

“John…” Alex whispered. “I didn’t mean what I said, I don’t want you to leave and I… just don’t know what to my minds all over the place.”

 

John rested his hands on Alex’s forearms, caressing them in a gentle manner. “You don’t need to apologise my love, I think you need to try and take your mind off him alright?”

 

Alex bit his lip and nodded. “Can I tell you something?” 

 

“Anything ‘Lex”

 

“I can’t marry him Jack… I don’t want my future to be with him” Alex revealed, John never expected to hear these words ever. “I’m just terrified of what he’ll do if I try to leave him”

 

“Alex…” John began, “He will not physically harm you. I will make sure of it, he will never ever hurt you ever again, Alex you have me, you have Martha, George, the Schuylers, Herc and Laf. He will not come near you I promise you.”

 

“Oh Jack… I don’t know what I’d do without you. I don’t know you how you aren’t sick of me yet” Alex laughed with some tears still on his cheek.

 

John smiled, lifting one of his hands off Alex’s right arm, wiping the tears off John’s cheek with his thumb. “You are stuck with me ‘Lex, that’s never ever going to change.”

 

John’s heart burst when Alex smiled back. Alex placed his hand on top of John’s, to which John smoothly held and kissed each of Alex’s knuckles gently. He let go of the younger boy’s hand slowly and Alex pouted at this slightly making John chuckle as he stood up.

 

“You aren’t going anywhere are you?’ Alex asked, his face showed worry, John instantly shook his head and Alex visibly relaxed.

 

“Of course not, just thought you would prefer to changing into your pyjamas, because I don’t think having a cuddle would very comfortable in jeans?” John chuckled making Alex laugh as well.

 

“You are right Jack” Alex smiled

 

“I always am” John teased making Alex roll his eyes playfully, John got a top out of Alex’s closet “Wait a second… is this mine? I have been looking for this since last Christmas… you little shit!” John laughed pointing at Alex who trying to act innocent but had a small grin on his face.

 

“I must’ve forgot to give you it back” Alex teased, “Sorry about that Mr Laurens.”

 

“I am sure you will find a way to repay me.” John smirked as Alex walked over to him unbuttoning his shirt, John felt his cheeks getting red as he handed the smaller boy the shirt.

 

“Aren’t you going to get changed Jack? I also don’t think your jeans are suitable for cuddling…” Alex giggled slipping on John’s shirt and taking of his jeans, only wearing his boxers underneath the oversized flannel shirt, which Alex was now buttoning up.

 

“To be perfectly honest, these jeans aren’t very comfy” John replied, pulling his shirt over his head and slipping off his jeans, by the time he had put his jeans on Alex’s old desk chair, the larked hair boy was already in his bed, the side closest to the wall, Alex’s side.

 

“Aren’t you going to be cold in just your boxers?” Alex asked with mischievous tone, as John walked over to him and got underneath the duvet.

 

“Not with you to cuddle” John smirked, this was defiantly one hundred percent flirting, John thought to himself. He wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist pulling him to his chest, Alex rested his head for a few moments as he traced his finger over John’s chest in figure of eight motions. John relaxed into the mattress as he watched Alex with awe.

 

He was so in love it consumed him.

 

 

 ** _Alex_** considered what he was going to do after stopped doodling with his forefinger on John’s freckled skin. He looked up seeing John resting his head against the pillow that pushed up against the headboard, a comforting silence which made him feel safe not uneasy when he was with _Thomas_.

 

He looked down at his left hand, seeing his ring and disgusted filled his hold body. When Thomas gave him this ring it was so and always had been horrific to Alex, it is something he would never pick for himself and it was so clear that Thomas put no thought towards to ‘the choosing of the ring.’ 

 

“You alright m’love?” John whispered in his black and extremely messy hair. Alex hadn’t noticed that John must’ve fell asleep for a few moments.

 

“Mm-hm” Alex hummed, looking up at John and revealed his thoughts. “I want to take off my ring, do you think that is wrong of me?”

 

“Of course its’ not ‘Lex, if you want that off its your decision, no offence I think you look beautiful in anything you wear but that ring never suited you” John replied, brushing a stray bit of hair of Alex’s face, which made the younger blush, heavily.

 

“I agree…” Alex breathed out. He looked down at his ring finger, he pulled it of quickly, rolling out of the bed and opening the bedroom window, the cold air from the snow hitting his face like ice.

 

He saw from the corner of his eye, John sit up quickly and moved to the end of the bed. “What are you doing love?” His voice echoed softly, as if he wasn’t in the room. Alex knew he had to do this, the feeling of entrapment fading away almost as if rapidly as he threw the ugly engagement ring evaporating in the snow in a flash of light.

 

“Im free… Jack! Im free” Alex cried joyously turning to face the taller boy who’s smile was almost wide as him. John grabbed his left hand tightly pulling Alex’s body closer to his.

 

“I knew you would be one day ‘Lex, I’m so proud of you and how you did that all by yourself.” John smiled still holding Alex’s hand.

 

Alex bit his life trying to tame smile, the blush on his cheek feeling more prominent than before. “I’m going to have to let go off your hand and shut the window, because its fucking freezing’ Alex giggled, letting go extremely slowly which made the older boy pout.

 

He quickly shut the window and turned back around, seeing John stare back at him. Alex began to feel bold like he used too and decided to take a leap into the metaphorical deep end.

“Jack…”

 

“Mm- Yeah! Sorry I spaced out- everything okay ‘Lex” John asked, licking his lips

.

Alex smirked walking over slowly, when he reached the taller boy, Alex straddled him and got comfortable on John’s lap. “Spaced out doing what Jack? Staring at my ass?” He asked innocently.

 

Surprise flashed over John’s face, which quickly changed to a smirk as well when he placed his hand gently on Alex’s bum, giving it a tight squeeze then slowly releasing his grip, which made a small moan escape Alex’s mouth to which he covered with his hand to try and drown the sound. 

 

“I’ve waited to long to hear you do that with my touch, there is no way you are being quiet, cheeky” John teased, but not in a malicious way that Thomas used to, Alex knew this all along but didn’t want to admit it.

 

Alex smiled softly and placed the hand that he used to cover his mouth on John’s face, cupping his cheek and caressing it gently. “Kiss me John Laurens.”

 

**_And He did._ **

 

John pulled Alex’s body closer, as much as he physically could, almost shyly edged their lips closer together, which Alex was surprised at but that went away almost instantly when John took control and pressed his lips onto Alex’s as he held him protectively in his arms. Alex ran his tongue over John’s lips before biting down on his bottom lip softly, his body heating up when John let out a low groan. John slipped his tongue inside of Alex’s mouth, which the younger boy complied letting John’s natural instincts over, Alex felt weak in the knees at what a natural John was. The pair continued exploring each other’s mouths for a couple more minutes, Alex currently running his fingers through John’s hair as he took the hair bobble out of his hair. John, who’s hands were currently underneath **_his_** top running his hands up and down Alex’s back making the younger boy relax more and shiver slightly.

 

John removed his lips from Alex’s began peppering kisses all over Alex’s face making him giggle loudly, when John finished doing this, Alex was still giggling which made John sit back and look at how lucky he was to be alive right now in this moment of time. 

 

Of course, Alex noticed the silence and lack of kisses from John made him question why. “Everything okay Jack?”

 

“Everything is perfect ‘Lex, you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen I just wanted to admire that.” John replied with a small smile on his face.

 

Alex blushed and moved closer to John, placing his smaller hands on John’s chest. “I’m sorry it took me this long to get my shit together.” He apologised and pressed a gentle kiss on John’s slightly swollen lips. 

 

“My momma would always say when we were younger, good things come to those who wait, I have waited too long for you my long I don’t intend to be losing you anytime soon.” John smirked, a small laugh escaping both boys mouths, and returned a kiss on Alex’s equally swollen lips. “I have a secret that I haven’t told you, the only secret I haven’t told you ever… but Im pretty sure you’ll be able to guess.”

 

“And whats that?” Alex smiled kissing John’s lips once more, making the older boy smile back.

 

John rested his hands on Alex’s bare thighs, that were slightly cold from the window being open. “Do you remember the day we first me ‘Lex?” 

 

Alex let out a small laugh “Of course I do, I fell on top off you when bringing in my suit case, I think I still have the scar on my elbow, but I didn’t apologise because I was far too embarrassed. Then you helped me up and introduced yourself”

 

John laughed quietly back, caressing the younger’s boy thigh then inquired another question. “Do you also remember that night, when we decided to be anti-social, and not go to that party our friends went too?”

 

“Oh my gosh yes! Then we watched all the ‘Harry Potter’ films and you found out how much of a nerd I was.” Alex blushed and smiled fondly at the memory.

 

“You still are nerd mister.” John laughed again, looking up at Alex who was staring back at him, he pressed a gentle kiss on Alex’s lips. “Do you also remember that time we had our first ever argument as to why I was so unhappy taking political science when you said I was much happier when I was sitting drawing rather than listening to the lectures, you know now it was because of my dad, and despite me being a dick to you that day… you stayed and I told you the truth about what my dad was really like and how I was so terrified of his opinion.” 

 

Alex nodded, remaining silence, but placed his hands on John’s bicep squeezing them gently in comfort. He then whispered “Of course, I knew something was up.”

 

“Well, I never told you this, but you are the reason that I changed my degree to art and you were the one that encouraged me to stand up and come out to my dad. I loved that when we met back then you were and still are so unapologetically and I loved that you that you were a complete Harry Potter nerd, like me.” John smiled, he noticed small tearsfill Alex’s blue eyes, and he continued “You know what I discovered ‘Lex… I realised that I was falling so in love with you because I kept on drawing someone’s eyes whenever I was stressed and couldn’t handle my dad’s constant abuse, it was your eyes ‘Lex, those beautiful blue eyes. And even those all years have flown by , I was so in love with you but I was so scared that you didn’t feel I let the fear of my father’s voice get my head and I just accepted that I was unlovable like he said I was my whole life that it was true. Then Thomas came along and I thought you would be happy, I tried to let you go but inside I wasstill so madly in love with you Alexander Hamilton. Now and forever. I love you ‘Lex”

 

John hadn’t noticed that small tears were rolling down Alex’s cheeks despite having a wonderful smile on his face. Alex caressed John’s cheek, which the older boy relaxed into his soft hand, Alex leaned in and pressed a small kiss on his lips. “Oh Jack…” Alex whispered against John’s lips. “Why did you never tell me? I have been in love you since we met, I suppressed those feelings because I never ever thought someone as wonderful as you would ever love me. I thought Thomas would help those feelings go away, but you know they only made them stronger and Jack I so fucking in love with you, it hurts sometimes.” Alex giggled, tears still on his cheeks. “I never thought this day would come.”

 

John laughed loudly at this and nodded in agreement. “I also never thought this would never happened, we proved ourselves wrong there, my love” John placed his hands on Alex’s hips underneath his shirt and smirked. “We aren’t even boyfriends yet and you have been stealing my clothes for years.” 

 

Alex giggled softly, moving closer to John, a moment of silence filled between them as Alex’s face turned serious as he bit his lip. “Jack are you alright with keeping this between us just now, its just with Thomas and the wedding and cancelling that and breaking off the engagement -

 

John interrupted Alex’s ramble with a soft peck and replied “Don’t worry ‘Lex, I wad going to suggest that as well, as much as I want to shout it from the rooftops that I finally can hold you in my arms, non platonically anymore, I am so willingly to wait to make sure you don’t receive any shit from Jefferson.” 

 

Alex let out a sigh of relief and gave John a smile in admiration. “I also think we should make sure we have adjusted to this fully before telling our friends because you know how much they have wanted this since we all became friends.” 

 

“You are right again Mr Hamilton” John laughed. “I’m sure Eliza will kill us for not telling her right away after she screams and dance around with happiness.” 

 

Alex laughed loudly at this comment and looked out the window seeing the sky getting darker as each moment paced. “The day has slipped away from us. You are staying tonight aren’t you?” He asked getting off John’s lap walking over to pick up his TV remote and turning on Netflix

 

“I mean if you want me to stay, I can leave but then you wont have a cuddle buddy.” John teased getting off the bed and opening the duvet, waiting for Alex to get in first.

 

Alex stuck out his tongue and climbed into the bed snuggling into the warm sheets, he pouted and looked up at John as he whined. “Hurry up and get in here so you can cuddle me whilst we watch Titanic.”

 

John rolled his eyes and dramatically sighed, making Alex laugh loudly, he got into the bed holding his arm up to let Alex rest his head on John’s chest as he wrapped his arm around Alex’s frame.

 

 

**_Half an hour later…_ **

 

“You know what I have realised?” Alex gasped out as they watched Jack seeing Rose for the first time.

 

“What’s that my love?” John asked playing with Alex’s hair, he had took out the hair band when the film begun. 

 

“You are Jack! And I am Rose! Minus the ship and the death of that Jack… Poor Leo.” Alex giggled and smiling brightly up at John, who’s heart swelled with pride as he had saw that the old Alex, that Jefferson try to destroy was coming back to him.

 

“You are the cutest fucking person ever” John smiled back at him and kissed the top of Alex’s black hair. “I love you baby.” 

 

“I love you more, Jack, you jump? I jump.” Alex teased softly but smiled genuinely at his unofficial but kind of boyfriend. 

 

John rolled his eyes dramatically, but smiled back knowing that he would definitely jump for Alex and Alex knew himself that he would also jump for John as well. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**_Later that evening, Martha went to check on her son and the real love of his life, as he had not came back down the stairs. She quietly opened the door and saw from the light from the TV, her son safely wrapped in John’s arms, a small tear escaped her eye as he looked happier, even sleeping that she hadn’t seen in months. Leaving them be, she closed the door quietly once more not to wake the two sleeping boys who were so in love._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEK finally!! However our story isn't over yet!! Much to come for John and Alex and the rest of the gang! 
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts and feedback in the comments I love to improve and make this story better.


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